Dear Nanna

I remember last Christmas. We knew you were unwell, and deteriorating. I personally didn't know the extent of it. But we knew it would probably be your last Christmas with us, so we tried to make it as memorable and perfect as we could. And we were right, it was your last Christmas. You held on for so long, sixteen years. The first time I visited you in hospital, I was two years old.
Sixteen years is almost my whole life, and I'm so grateful you were here for it all, but I wish you had been able to hold on for longer. Just a few more months. You could have seen me turn eighteen, and graduate high school and get my results, and get my first ever job, and spend another Christmas together. You missed out on Matt and Skye's engagement, I know you would have been so happy for them. And you missed out on seeing Jess pregnant, even though you would disapprove at first, you would still love her and little TJ because you're so accepting. She finished her hairdressing course after no one though she would, and now she's fully qualified, and bought her own house and everything. You would be so proud of us all. Especially me, I hope. I did it all for you.
Please come back. We can't do it without you. Mum cries every day, she tries to rely on me to be the strong one but sometimes it gets too much. Everyone says I'm strong but I'm really not, it's just an act because I hate people seeing me cry. I've cried more this year than I have in my entire life.
Grandad misses you so much Nanna, he isn't coping. He drinks too much, he's starting to forget stuff and I'm scared. Mum and Aunty Karen are so worried about him and are always trying to make sure he's okay, they never have time for themselves. Jess and I were going to get them day spa gift vouchers for Christmas but we left it too late to organise. Maybe for Mother's Day.
Tonight, Grandad gave Jess and I one of your bracelets each. Mine is a gold one with a love heart lock and chain. It took all I had not to burst into tears in front of everyone right there and then.
I sometimes wonder if you were there at your funeral, somewhere in the back. I'm so sorry. Jess told me that I'd regret it if I didn't go and look at you, and mum gave me a choice. I chose to go and see you, but I ran out crying almost straight away. I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you for a bit longer, I'm sorry I didn't show my love enough, always.
Nanna I just want you here. You've missed so much, the biggest year of my life and you weren't here to cheer me on, to encourage me to do my best. I had to think of you to get me through studying. Everything I did, every word I wrote and read and remembered, all those exams and assignments and stressed tears, they were all for you because I knew you wouldn't want me to give up and I just wanted to make you proud. I just hope it was enough for you. I'm going to be a nurse, so I can help people like you. If I can save just one life, save one family, one teenage girl from so much grief, I'll be happy. It's all for you. I would've happily swapped places with you, if it meant you were still here. The suffering is over now, sleep safely. Wait for me, I promise I'll come and find you. I'll never forget you, never ever. You're such a big part of me. I miss you all the time, but it's times like these I miss you the most. I love you so much, always thinking of you. Keep watching down on us, god knows we could use your strength to keep us all from falling in a heap. Love you forever, Nanna.
With so much love always and always, Liana.

A Day With Delta

Okay so now that I've managed to stop shaking enough to write this properly... Here is my recount of the amazing day that is today :)

So I got into the city at like 11am and went straight to the Adelaide Convention Centre where Chelsea, Caitlyn, Naomi, Karissa and Tim were already (they got there at like 8). We were hanging outside in a walkway between a back entrance of the Convention Centre and the Intercontinental Hotel, which is where Delta was staying. We took a few photos of our group together, and some videos of us, mainly Chelsea and I, dancing around like losers to Sitting on Top of the World.

Just before 12, we were dancing around when Chelsea suddenly stopped and went "oh my god..." and I turned around and Delta was walking towards us around the corner. We squealed like the fangirls we are and she gave Chels and I a huge hug! Then she walked towards the door to go in and she got us to come with her.

Just before I had arrived earlier, the others had been kicked out the foyer of the Convention Centre by some bitchy security lady called Janis. Well when Delta was walking in, Janis tried to stop us, and Delta turned massively bitchy but cute, it was hilarious. She was like "no they're coming in with me" and Janis was like "uhh but..." and Delta interrupted and said "no, I'm telling you, they're coming with me." It was the funniest moment of my life. And then she put her hands on her hips and stared all the security down and said "I hope you're treating them well!" HAHAHAHAHA <3

So we waited in the foyer for like 10 minutes, trying to be really quiet. Until Chelsea lay back on the couch and hit her head on the GLASS coffee table. Really loudly. There was this massive loud bang and we all tried not to crack up laughing but were laughing silently and omg.

Then Janis came out and told us to follow her, and we walked underneath all the seats and around the back and in through another door into the auditorium. We sat on the far side near the back. They showed a video introduction for her which was heaps good. Then she came out and the presenter guy asked her some questions about her growing up and music and everything, then some of the kids got to ask questions. A few of them burst into tears and Delta jumped offstage and gave one girl in the front row who was crying a big hug, it was so cute.

At the end, someone asked her to sing a song, and she sang a bit of Knocked Out, which sounded absolutely amazing. Then she tried to get everyone to sing Born to Try, but no one really was. I would have sung louder except we weren't really supposed to be there so was trying to be inconspicuous lol.

We left as soon as she'd finished and walked around for a bit trying to work out where we were meant to go... Then we found the room next to the auditorium where Delta was signing CDs for the kids during their lunch break, and just waited off to the side. Near the end of the signing, she started rubbing her eye. Naomi was like "I think she has something in her eye..." then like two seconds later Delta turned to the lady and said "I have something in my eye." We laughed. Massive psychic/stalker moment right there but oh well hahaha!

So we waited for all the kids to disperse, which didn't actually happen, seeing as they mobbed her when she was leaving the room through the back door. We quickly ran out the room and around to the foyer and back outside to where we were in the morning so that we didn't miss her, and like one minute later the side door opened and she came out.

She took photos with all of us and signed some stuff. I showed her my scrapbook which I've kept since the Visualise Tour, and she flipped through it and told me it was amazing and then she signed the front of it for me. "To Liana, So much love & thanks 4 all your support over the years <3 Delta"

We all had a bit of a group chat with her, we talked about shoes, and the tour a little bit, and boyfriends and it was so much fun. The lady she was with (I think it's her manager...) kept trying to hurry her along but Delta stayed, she was happy to just take 'one more photo' or sign 'one more thing' (which of course turned into more than one!). Finally she actually really had to leave, and as she was walking away she looked back at us and waved and I was very nearly about to run over and give her another hug, but I stopped myself.

Chelsea and I grabbed each other and screamed and massively fangirled, and Delta could still hear us haha, she was probably like "wtf..." hahaha. Then Naomi, Tim, Karissa and I walked over to Rundle Mall, Naomi and I were fangirling the whole way :)

Today was the most amazing day, I wish I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing!!!! Except for maybe sneakily recording her singing Knocked Out... Hahaha. But it was absolutely perfect, and it wouldn't have happened like it did if it wasn't for security kicking us out, and for Tim, Rachael and of course Delta being the amazing woman she is. Only Delta would do something like that for her fans <3 I love her so much :)

Like Mother, Like Daughter

The little girl, Tess, awoke at midnight. The cause of her sudden awakening was unknown, but she decided to get a glass of water before going back to sleep. Quietly, she padded barefoot down the hallway to the kitchen, filling a glass with water before carrying it back to her bedroom. As she passed the lounge room, however, muffled cries came from behind the closed door, barely audible underneath the volume of the television.

Shrugging it off, she returned to bed and fell asleep immediately, unaware of the situation occurring just two rooms away from her.

The next morning, Tess woke up and sleepily walked into the kitchen for breakfast, rubbing her eyes and yawning. Her mother was standing at the kitchen bench, and when she turned around, the little girl gasped in shock.

“Mummy, what happened to your face?!”

The older woman tried to smile gently, but it appeared as a grimace through her swollen lip and black eye. “Nothing you need to worry about, Tessie.”

Tess decided against protesting and sat down to eat her cereal, studying her mother intently as she moved around the room, wincing every so often and clutching her side.

The next night, Tess crept out of her room at the same time as the night before, determined to unveil the secret her mother seemed intent on keeping.

Pushing the door to the lounge room open slightly, she peered through the tiny crack, and instantly drew back in fear at the scene she was witnessing. Her mother, that strong, independent woman she had always looked up to, was curled up in a ball on the floor, sobbing as her husband repeatedly kicked her in the chest and ribs, can of beer in hand.

Tess watched in horror as her father bashed up her mother, sparing her no mercy. He finished the can of beer and threw it on the floor before heading towards the door, purposely stepping on the woman cowering at his feet, shooting her a glance of hatred. Tess jumped around the corner and flattened herself against the wall as her intoxicated father stumbled from the room towards the bedroom her parents shared.

Hearing a soft cry, Tess darted back into the lounge room, moving over to her mother’s limp body with tears in her eyes.

“Mum? What can I do?” she asked, pulling down her mother’s top, hiding the purple and black skin of her exposed stomach from sight.

“Go back to bed, Tess,” whimpered her mother. “There’s nothing you can do, it’s too late to do anything.”

Tess ignored her mother, helping the older woman off the floor and guiding her into her own bedroom, away from her violent father. Her mother was too tired and broken to protest. The two females curled up in Tess’s bed together, relishing each other’s warmth as they quietly sobbed in each other’s arms.

“I love you, Tessie. Thank you for saving me.”

“I love you too, mummy. Goodnight.”

Tess and her mother were awoken early next morning by an intoxicated father and husband flinging Tess’s bedroom door open. With a furious look on his face, he roughly pulled his wife from the bed.

“Make me breakfast, bitch!” he shouted, dragging the petrified woman down the hallway to the kitchen, with Tess running after them.

“Daddy, stop! You’re hurting her! STOP!” she cried, tugging on her father’s arm.

He turned around to face her, baring his teeth and snarling like an angry beast. “Let go of me, you little brat!” Her father, uncontrollable at this point, raised his hand to Tess, who stared back at him defiantly.

As he struck out, Tess’s mother stood up to shield her precious daughter, receiving the full brunt of her husband’s blow. She cried out, cupping her cheek, and the man standing before her (she did not know who this man was anymore, he was not the man she married fourteen years ago) smirked before turning around and going back to bed, satisfied.

Tess hugged her mother, tears flowing unchecked down both of their faces. They sat in silence for a few moments, Tess trying to control her tears and her mother thinking hard. She had taken her husband’s abuse with little complaint since it began a month earlier, when he began going out with friends after work more often and coming home drunk. She knew complaining to him would only make her a more vulnerable target, so she kept her mouth shut. But that morning had made her realise that she and her daughter were no longer safe in their own home.

“Pack a bag, Tessie,” said her mother suddenly. “We have to get out of here. I’m not putting you in danger anymore.”

Tess nodded shakily, taking her mother’s orders. She dressed and then began packing a bag with only the necessities: some spare clothes, underwear, pyjamas, toothbrush and her favourite stuffed toy, which she could not sleep without. Down the hall, her mother was doing the same thing. Before leaving the room, she emptied the contents of her jewellery box into another small bag, hiding it in the pocket of her handbag.

Tess was waiting for her mother by the door, and took her hand when they were side by side. Together, for the last time, they walked out the front door of the place they had called home for the last ten years, leaving behind them a lifetime of now worthless memories and the man they had once loved unconditionally.

Mother and daughter did not look back as they walked towards freedom, hand in hand.

In the master bedroom, an angry man stirred…

Fragile

She looked around the room, rotating three hundred and sixty degrees at snail’s pace, taking in every minute detail. The pale yellow walls, the pure white ceiling. The wallpaper with teddy bears and balloons running around all four walls: not at all unusual decorations for a nursery. Everything was pristine: the crisp paint work, the white cot, the change table packed with nappies, and the tallboy; tiny jumpsuits and miniature socks lovingly folded in the drawers. It looked perfect, and the woman’s whirling emotions were the only disturbance in the room.

Her gaze fell upon the rocking chair in the corner, the patchwork quilt her mother had made for her resting on the seat. Sinking into the chair, her lip began to tremble, and as she rocked, a tear slipped from the corner of her eye and made its way down her cheek, followed by another.

This room had looked the same for five years. The young woman and her husband had decorated it in anticipation of their first child when they realised she was pregnant five years earlier. They had been full of excitement. Slightly apprehensive and nervous, but ecstatic nonetheless, after two years of happy marriage they were about to embark on the next journey in their life: starting a family.

She had awoken in the middle of the night two months later to severe stomach cramps and a spreading puddle of blood surrounding her, staining the sheets crimson. She was devastated, but vowed to herself to not let the loss of this child end her family dreams.

That promise was compromised a year and a half later when she miscarried for a second time, four months into the pregnancy. She had worried that there was something wrong with her, and had began to give up hope, as did her husband. Night after night, she would cry herself to sleep, wishing with all her heart that she could have a baby, a beautiful little son or daughter, to hold in her arms. She wanted nothing more, and began taking steps to become pregnant again. She ate all the right foods, did not drink any alcohol and took daily vitamins, and, after another desolate year, she finally fell pregnant for the third time. She and her husband had held their breaths throughout that first trimester and by the time the end of the second trimester drew near, they finally accepted hope and allowed themselves to be excited for the impending birth of their first child: a daughter.

And now here she was, at the beginning of her final trimester of the pregnancy. Except she was no longer pregnant. At just twenty six weeks, she had gone into labour: fourteen weeks prematurely. She had been lying in a hospital bed after the long and painful delivery, hoping and praying her baby girl was all right, when the doctor entered the room, his face solemn and grave. He told her how her baby was born prematurely: she knew this. He told her how her daughter was currently on oxygen and in a limited-contact incubator in the neonatal intensive care unit, and would remain there for months to come. Some of the words he used she did not understand, but she didn’t need to: she knew what was happening.

Individual, disconnected words and phrases were drifting around her head as she remembered the doctor’s sombre speech: ‘fourteen weeks premature’, ‘incubated indefinitely’, ‘permanent oxygen’, ‘up to six months in intensive care’.

Six months. That was half a year of her daughter’s precious life, spent in a cage being poked, prodded and watched twenty four hours a day, having needles stuck into her, constantly fighting for her life on a daily basis.

For the next six months, she had to face the fact that the daughter she had craved for so many years would be dependent not on her, but on the doctors and nurses helping her to survive.

She had to live with the agonising thought that her daughter’s health could be compromised for the rest of her life, and the thought that was in the front of her mind was burning a hole in her brain and driving a knife through her heart.

This is all my fault.

Little Girl Lost

NOTE: This is based on a TRUE story, about the lives of my Grandma (Joyce) and my Nanna (Laura, who passed away about a month before I wrote this story).

Present

I sit, unmoving, in my chair. My eyes stare into space, not crying, not betraying any emotion. My heart feels as though it has stopped. Wishful thinking, maybe. I am numb.

Two hours ago, I received a phone call from my daughter-in-law. Not an unusual occurrence in itself. The words I heard, however, were words I had never directly heard before, and ones I wish never to hear again.

So this is what it feels like to lose your best friend.

November/December, 1951

My family was migrating from England to Australia. My father wanted to leave when the war started twelve years ago, but my mother fell pregnant with me and did not want to travel. I spent the first five years of my life in the midst of World War Two. Eleven years on, my father finally managed to scrape together enough money to secure a passage to Australia, working two jobs for the last five years.

I was running along one of the decks on the New Australia, playing chasey with a number of other children my age who I had befriended four days ago after setting sail. The taunts of “catch me if you can!” hit my ears from all directions as we teased the boy who was ‘it’. It was unbecoming for a young woman and I knew I would be in trouble if my parents caught me, but I was having too much fun to care. I looked back and squealed when I saw the boy who was ‘it’ pursuing me, gaining ground with every step. I wasn’t the fastest runner.

I saw his eyes widen and he called “watch out!” I looked back ahead of me, just in time to dodge a girl with long brown hair, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the deck, reading a book.

“Hey!” She glared at me as I passed her, a hair’s breadth away from tripping over her. I shrugged it off and kept running.

I didn’t see her again for a while.

Four weeks later, we were almost to Australia. I was wandering around by myself, trying to find someone to play with, when I came across a familiar looking girl who was crying.

“Are you all right?” I asked, putting my arm around her.

She sniffled, before answering, “My younger sister is missing. We can’t find her anywhere, my parents are scared she might have fallen overboard!”

“Oh dear,” I replied as my heart ached for the girl who looked about my age. “I’ll help you look for her if you want.”

“I’d like that, thank you.” She looked at me closely, scrutinizing me. “Hey, you’re the girl who nearly tripped over me a few weeks ago, aren’t you?”

I suddenly felt very embarrassed. “Oh, yes, I am. Sorry about that. My name is Joyce.”

“I’m Laura and I’m eleven years old. My sister is eight, her name is Sylvia. Please help me find her!”

I took Laura’s hand and we began to search every inch of the ship in earnest. We searched for four hours together, and were beginning to give up hope when we returned to her cabin, finding her parents scolding a very upset little girl.

“Sylvia! Where were you?” cried Laura, hugging her little sister.

Their mother answered in lieu of Sylvia. “She was found by a member of the crew in a male bathroom, in the shower with a young boy.”

Laura looked scandalised and berated her younger sister. I quietly left the cabin, sensing she did not need me anymore.

That was the last time I saw her on the ship. We disembarked a week later and I did not see her again for many, many years.

Present

Still, I sat in my chair, reminiscing about times spent with Laura, starting with the biggest coincidence of my life.

June, 1988

My eldest son, Daryl, came home with his girlfriend of eight years, Julie, in tow.

“Mum,” he began. “I asked Julie to marry me, and she said yes!” He smiled at his new fiancée and put his arm around her waist.

“Well, congratulations kids. I’m happy for you!” I replied sincerely, pulling them both to me for a hug.

“We told my parents just before we came here, and they invited you and Eric to dinner on Saturday night, so you can all meet for the first time,” added Julie.

“Wonderful, tell them we accept.”

Having never met, I was a bit nervous about this dinner with my future daughter-in-law’s parents. 

Little did I know that we would not be talking much about our children, but rather, our own childhoods.

My husband, Eric, knocked on the door at precisely seven o’clock on Saturday night. It was opened by Geoffrey, Julie’s father, who greeted us and showed us in. His wife greeted us next and when we shook hands, we looked into each other’s eyes, sensing familiarity. It was not until later that we fully realised who the other was, and we were both delighted to meet again and hopefully have a chance to rekindle our brief friendship.

Present

Since that day, twenty four years ago, we have been each other’s best friends and confidants, thanks to the union of our eldest children. We share two beautiful grandchildren.

Laura had been sick for the last sixteen years, with a rare type of cancer. Recently, all her organs began to fail and we all knew her time was near. I just never expected it to be so soon. She was seventy two years old, seven months older than me.

She was always the type that preferred books to running around. While I played tennis since my teenage years, she would often be seen with her nose in a book. The memory of when we first met is imprinted in my mind, that moment provides so many insights into both our characters. Funny, how such polar opposites can become best friends.

And now she’s gone.

I miss her already.

Short Stories

So I just decided that I'm going to start posting some of the short stories that I write. I have a fanfiction account and post on there but I can't post stories that I've written for English or just for myself that aren't about a musical or movie or whatever, because they're not fanfictions, they're just stories.
I'll post all the ones I've written so far on here, and if I ever get around to writing more I'll post them on here too. I like to get feedback on my stories from people who aren't my English teacher haha :)

To my DEAR parents (not).

Fuck you. Honestly, that's all I can say right now. You go on and on about how you are always here to help me and want to help me do my best and all this crap, then you turn around when for once I'm ACTUALLY studying and talk shit to me about how I'm wrong and you're always right. Well guess what, YOU'RE NOT FUCKING RIGHT. I may not be as smart as you think you are, but I'm not an idiot either, and I'm definitely NOT YOU. That means I don't have to study like you do, because it doesn't fucking work! Why can't you accept that and move on! I'm trying so hard right now, I'm struggling to get through this but I'm pushing myself, and you should be fucking happy about that, not just finding more things to yell at me for. You've said it so many fucking times and I heard you the very first time you said it, but I'm studying how I want to and you can just leave me alone. Or better yet, do the whole fucking thing for me, then you could do whatever the fuck you want. Not like I fucking give a shit anymore.
I am SICK and TIRED of you always being on my case, you never leave me alone and always think I'm doing it the wrong way. I'm an adult, I'm old enough to do it myself, the way I want to do it.
I'll fucking prove you wrong. I cannot wait to throw that piece of paper in your face.

My life according to Delta Goodrem

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist: Delta Goodrem

Are you a male or female:
Woman

Describe yourself:
Mistaken Identity

How do you feel:
Nobody Listened

Describe where you currently live:
Right There Waiting

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Out of the Blue

Your favourite form of transportation:
Running Away

Your best friend is:
You Are My Rock

You and your best friends are:
Beautiful Madness

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Here I Am

What is life to you:
Disorientated

Your relationship:
Take Me Home

Your fear:
Lost Without You

What is the best advice you have to give:
Be Strong

Thought for the Day:
Wish You Were Here

How I would like to die:
Right Here With You

My soul's present condition:
Uncovered

Heading In The Right Direction (Lucy Durack's new song) <3

Since I was a small girl I've always been alone, trying so hard to find someone that I could call my own. People that I look at were always twos and threes. Always on the outside, nobody wanted me.

Am I heading in the right direction for your loving and affection? Is this gonna be a brand new start? Is this the way into your heart? Oh darlin...

When you came along boy, you were different from the rest. Never tried to hurt me like so many men before. You made me feel important, something special in your eyes. Knowing that you care for me has made me come alive.

Am I heading in the right direction for your loving and affection? Is this gonna be a brand new start? Is this the way into your heart?

Day to day I hope and pray that this feeling is really gonna grow and I know...

Now that I'm a woman, now that you are here, change is all around me, gonna wipe away my tears. No more pain and heartache, no more sleepless nights. We're gonna stay together for the rest of our lives.

Am I heading in the right direction for your loving and affection? Is this gonna be a brand new start? Is this the way into your heart?
Am I heading in the right direction for your loving and affection? Is this gonna be a brand new start?

Stuck in the background

I was always very definitive about my future. I knew what I wanted to do, how I was going to get there and the sacrifices I would have to make.
For years, I've known what I wanted to do. I had it all mapped out. I wanted to be a doctor. As I got older, I narrowed it down further. I love kids and decided I wanted to be a pediatrician. From the start of high school, that was my goal. Even my dream. I wanted to be one of the girls in the newspaper with perfect marks and a score of 99.95. And in year 7, I'd probably have believed you if you told me I would be that person in five years time. Even last year, I got straight As for the first time ever and believed even more strongly that I could do it.

But now it's all different. I just can't do anything right. I'm getting crap marks, I don't have the motivation to do homework and try to get better marks. I'm a mess. I swear, I am single handedly steam rolling my picture perfect life down the drain. Everyone asks me if I have a backup plan. No one else thinks I can do it either anymore. Everyone used to believe in me so much, and believed I would be the one in the family to be the perfect doctor and just be amazing and, well, perfect. I always was. But I'm not anymore, and I feel like I'm letting so many people down.
And now I don't even know if I want it anymore. I don't even CARE. I'm happy now to settle for second best. I was always a perfectionist, I would NEVER settle for second best. I guess shit's changed a lot in a few months.
My parents still expect that I'm going to do great things though. I've spoken to mum, told her that I don't know if I even want to do this anymore, and my voice is just background noise now. I've told her my second (which is maybe now going to be my first) choice, but she is still set on the idea that I'll work my ass off for the next few months and get the grades to become a doctor. I don't think she realises that I am actually serious about not wanting to do it anymore.
This morning, she said to me, "you need to keep studying for the UMAT. Only a couple more weeks. You can make Nanna proud." Nanna was always proud of me whatever I did. I know if she were still here she wouldn't be disappointed if I didn't do medicine. She wouldn't want to push me to do something I don't want to do anymore. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, I just know that I want school to be over and I want things back the way they used to be.

July 1st, 2012

So it's officially July the 1st. Two peoples birthdays. Rhys, who is now eighteen. And shauna, my beautiful girl who I miss so much.
One of the last times I got to communicate with her, she said that she is hopefully allowed to get twitter back on her birthday, which is today. I really hope it happens, but I'm not getting my hopes up too much because she hasn't posted on here in over a month :(
But shauna, if you're reading this... Happy sixteenth birthday my gorgeous wifey! I hope you have a wonderful day, I love you very much, and I miss you and I hope that if you ARE in fact reading this, it hopefully means you get computer access back!
I love you beautiful girl. These last few weeks have been hard, I wish you had been there to help me get through it all <3

Everything's changed.

As I write this, I'm crying. Again. It seems like all I do these past few days is cry. It's the easiest thing to do, the thing that makes the most sense.
I'm feeling so many different things right now, I can't even begin to put all of them into words. I don't think I would even know how.
But I miss my Nanna so, so much. It's only been 5 days, and I still can't accept that she's not here anymore. Sometimes, we would go for weeks without seeing each other. Life would just take over. I used to think "it doesn't matter, I'll see her again soon". Now, I can't think that anymore. It hurts to know that she's not just a phone call or quick visit away.
The thing that hurts most though is knowing I didn't spend enough time with her in the last few months. I would always tell myself I would go and visit her, and I never did. Maybe if I'd had a better idea of how sick she really was, I would have been more vigilant. But I wasn't, because my mum didn't tell me anything about her condition. I didn't know how bad she was until she was put into hospital Friday a week and a half ago. That was the only time mum voiced out loud what was going on. She said over the phone, "she's dying". I knew she was dying. I just didn't know it would be so soon. I thought we had more time. She had been sick for 16 years. Surely we'd have at least another couple of months? After all, she was strong enough to get through 16 years of it!
When we got the phone call, it was 1:30am last Thursday. I half woke up, and immediately knew what it was. Why else would the phone be ringing at 1:30am? I lay in bed and cried until my parents got home from the hospital at 3am. I got up and sat with them in silence for two hours. I couldn't say anything, I could barely think. All I could do was cry.
So it's been 5 days now. The days have been a bit up and down. Thursday and Friday were the worst obviously. Thursday I stayed home and cried on and off all day. I barely said two words all day until I went to my cousins house and we had a long talk. Friday, I cried, like really cried, at school three times. Normally I would be embarrassed to be seen crying at school, but I honestly didn't care. I was so upset, so desperate, I didn't want to accept it.
Now, I guess I've accepted it. Well, to an extent. I think Wednesday, the funeral, will determine if I have or not. But I feel so bad, and so selfish. I know it's stupid and irrational, and people will cut me down if I say it, but I have to. I feel selfish because as much as I want to, I can't think about her all day. I start concentrating on other things, then I feel the locket she gave me around my neck and start to feel guilty because I've forgotten her for an hour or so. And now everything is starting to go back to normal, and it really scares me. Because nothing is normal anymore! Everything has changed, I've changed. And I know she would want me to be happy and make her proud, but I don't want to be happy yet, it hasn't been long enough. I haven't got to say goodbye yet!
There is so much more I want to say, but I can't yet. I just don't know how to say any of it.
I just miss her so much. I want her back, to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. And if she was here, everything would be okay. But she's not, and it's not.

SHAUNA?! WHERE ARE YOU?!! I MISS YOU! <3

The last day and a half have not been good. I've been having the worst day, I can't do anything right and feel so dumb all the time. Last night me and my parents had a massive fight about my research project, I made my mum cry and I don't even care. Her excuse was "I have not had a good day". Well whoopdedoo, you aren't the only one! And then I got so angry and sword at her and had a massive tantrum because I'm tired and frustrated and PMS and dumb. And I finally broke down and cried properly last night, for like an hour. At about 10pm, I walked away from my mum who was trying to tell me she was right even though I know she wasn't because she wasn't there when we got told how to do it. I may not know exactly how to write this stupid thing, but at least I know what we're meant to do. She just doesn't listen to me!! So anyway I walked away and went upstairs and did my maths homework. For about three hours. Then I did my chem assignment. And my English oral. I went to bed at 2am. I woke up at 7am and looked in the mirror. Intense crying + not much sleep = hideous Liana. No joke, my eyes were puffy and bloodshot, I could hardly see. And then mum tried to tell me something and made me cry again. And then I got to school and was okay before school, until first lesson which happened to be research project. I was looking at all the stuff mum had done last night and the crap she printed out that has no meaning whatsoever, and I just started crying again. Not sure if anyone noticed, I just pretended I was looking for something in my bag under the desk.
And since then, I've just had a crap day. In chem I got my assignment back and got 1/10 because she happened to only mark the section that I got confused with and couldn't do. The whole rest of the assignment I could do, but no she had to pick that bit. Then had a go at me and said that I wasn't trying hard enough and I need to do better. Sure, I haven't done that great in the two summative tests so far, but in every single assignment so far, which are formative, I've got full marks or close to full marks. But of course my ability is judged from one assignment that I happened to not do well in this time, and doesn't even mean anything. And then she said I should consider moving up the front somewhere so that Rhys and Nick don't distract me and so that I can concentrate and pay attention. They don't distract me, most of the time I just ignore them! And she spoke in this soft voice that sounded like she was really disappointed in me, not angry, and that almost made me burst into tears again.
I just want something good to happen, something good to come out of all this crap that's going on at the moment!
Heaps of people are being bitchy at school, I'm not getting along very well with people who I used to get on fine with, and it seems like half the year hates me at the moment. I don't understand, I feel so alone all the time, even when I'm with friends.

When I turn 18 (less than four months, guys!!!) my friend Jackie and I are going to get tattoos together :)
This is the one I'm getting! Either on the inside of my ankle or just next to my hip bone :)

For Tahlia.

I have to say this. And after September of 2010, I really thought I'd never hear myself say it. But I miss Tahlia. I miss her a lot. We had the most amazing, random, fun and deep conversations. We spoke for hours EVERY NIGHT on the phone, and when we weren't on the phone, wherever possible, we were on MSN talking.
I'm going to backtrack a bit, for those of you who don't know who I'm talking about.
Tahlia Ford. I met her in about May of 2009 on the Delta Goodrem Official Forum. We sent each other a couple of DMs on it, just being friendly and introducing ourselves. Then we progressed to swapping MSN addresses and talking on there. A lot. After a while, we started texting lots and talking on the phone. We became so close, it was so amazing. I wasn't particularly close with anyone at school at the time, except for maybe one amazing person who I still love to bits now. And she was also really the only one who understood me and Tahlia. Eventually, Tahlia and I became best friends. Sure, we had never met (she lives in Melbourne, I live in Adelaide), but we talked all the time. Sometimes our conversations were fun, random and lighthearted, and I still vividly remember one of them. It is making me cry just thinking about it now, because it was hilarious and ridiculous and was one of the most amazing times in my life, I loved her so much. We helped each other get through a lot of problems. I like to think I helped her largely to stop self harming herself. We would stay strong for one another when we needed each other. Our 'song' was Never Fades Away, a beautiful Delta song that summed up our relationship perfectly.
About a year after we met, we started talking about meeting. Surprisingly, my parents agreed to have her come over and stay for a week in the school holidays. We arranged everything and were both so excited.
She came in July for a week. We went shopping together, one day we went to the zoo. We had a personal joke about the pandas, Wang Wang and Funi, and went to see them together. I had an amazing week, and I was so happy just hanging out with her 24/7. She was my best friend, after all, and I'd never had a proper best friend before. Not in kindergarten, not all through primary school, not in the first couple of years of high school either.
When she left, I was upset but knew we would still talk lots. We even talked about me going to visit her at some stage as well.
I texted her a couple of times in the week after she left, and she didn't reply. I started sending her some facebook messages and more texts and everything, and she just never replied. Eventually, I kind of gave up. At the start of September, I tried one more time because I really missed her. She finally replied to that message on facebook. And I still have her reply. You have no idea how much I cried over it. For HOURS, I bawled my eyes out. She didn't give a shit about me. She said that she'd had a terrible time when she stayed with me and I treated her like shit. All of what she said was total crap, and it upset me so much. She said she didn't want to be friends anymore because it just didn't work out. I didn't understand, it seemed like she was enjoying herself the whole time.
We stopped talking, but I was still so upset. She deleted me from facebook, and I deleted all her messages I had saved on my phone, and photos we'd taken. It hurt too much to look at them.
About a year later, she added me on facebook again. I didn't know what to do, and the same amazing friend mentioned above (she knows who she is, and if you're reading this, I love you so much beautiful!) encouraged me to accept it and talk to her. So I did. She gave me these excuses, saying she was having a really hard time when she sent me that message and was pissed off and upset. That hurt too, because even if she was telling the truth this time, she lied before and caused me hours of crying.
Since we talked that last time, we haven't talked again. We're just too different now. From what I can see on facebook at the moment, she's in hospital. I'm not sure exactly what for, but I'm thinking maybe an eating disorder. She had always been paranoid about her weight, even though she's beautiful. That was one of the things I thought I'd helped her to get over, but I guess not.
Oh well. What's done is done, and I don't think we're probably ever going to speak to each other again. But I do really miss her, and even though she hurt me a lot, and even though she annoys me with her over-dramatic statuses and photo captions on facebook, there is still part of me that loves her.
It sounds stupid, but she was my first real best friend. Losing someone like that will always hurt, and because she was so special to me, I will probably never completely forget her and stop loving her.
I haven't listened to Never Fades Away since September 2010. I don't know when I will, it reminds me of her too much.
I don't know how many people will read this whole post and care about anything I've said, but this is for Tahlia. And anyone who's ever lost someone that special to them.

It's nice to see my parents have so much faith in me and my abilities. They honestly don't think I can get into medicine.
On top of that, they don't want me to do medicine anyway because they don't want all this pressure on me. They think I'm going to commit suicide or something from the pressure. Which doesn't make sense because they don't want to me to have all this pressure on me at uni, but they are putting all this pressure on me now?
Fricken topsy turvy, that's what my parents are...

Falling into the same old pattern

I can't believe I'm doing this again! Every so often, I just fall into the habit of flirting with a certain guy who will remain nameless. Sometimes it's awkward between us but for the most part we are friends. We have chemistry together and lately we've been flirting more than usual. We've had a couple of 'things' on and off since the end of year eight, and every time, I've decided that I don't like him that way anymore. He's the sweetest guy ever and I really like him as a friend, but not more than that. I don't think.
But yeah we've just been flirting heaps and I've been thinking about him and ugh. I don't want to keep hooking up with him at every party, but he's just so sweet and it's like I can't pull myself away from him!
Arghhhhhh :/

Yep.

I hate my parents.

I used to be a positive person, but this year, I'm not.

At the moment, I'm really hating my life.

I would leave if I could. Even for a couple of days, to scare my parents. Make them see what they're losing. And I would do it for sure, except I don't have any money or anywhere to go.

And it wouldn't be very helpful for everything else in my life if I left. Cali, tennis, everything. I'd just like to make them realise that they can't just treat me like shit and push me around all the time, I'm not fucking five years old anymore!
I know that I have to do my fucking homework, and study for exams! But I'm not going to waste the little free time that I DO have on doing pointless things like memorising every single element in the periodic table, which my dad suggested I should do. Not going to be of much help and it's a fucking stupid idea. And learning random things from the internet will not get me extra marks because if we aren't taught them, they aren't in the fucking curriculum and therefore we aren't supposed to write pointless answers about things that don't mean anything and won't get me any marks.
I just... I want this school year to be over. Sure, people tell me I'll miss it later, and I'm sure I will, but for now, I hate it. I used to have a good relationship with my parents, but I don't at the moment. And I don't know how much that will change over the course of this year.
I don't want to have a strained relationship with them, and maybe I wouldn't if they didn't yell at me for every single thing! I admit, some things are warranted, but most things are not! And I'm not just saying that to complain about how unfair they are. I literally cannot do anything right in their eyes. They just don't understand what I'm doing, and what I'm saying.
They don't understand the new SACE and education system, and are convinced they're always right. I try to explain things, but they're too close minded to consider what I'm saying, instead just choosing to focus on what they believe is right, from 25 years ago! Yeah, things have changed a bit since then...

I am in so much pain right now. I've been sitting at my desk studying for my maths exam most of the day, so being hunched over the whole time already killed my neck and back. And gave me an excruciating headache. At 7pm I went to calisthenics. I was already tired and sore and stiff, and took my maths books in the hope I'd get some of my cheat sheet written while I wasn't on stage. So I was okay for the first couple of hours, understandably tired though. Exercises, dance and march went surprisingly well. Then we got to clubs. Again that wasn't too bad and seeing as I'm not on for very much of clubs, I thankfully did get almost half my cheat sheet done. Then we did rods. We went over one exercise that of course happened to be a splits/floor exercise. Now, after already having done exercises and dance earlier, both of which have a fair bit of floor work that we were working on, this rods bit killed me. I could not kneel anymore, I had/have bruises all over my feet, ankles and knees. And I couldn't get this one bit! I just got confused, and then my coach yelled at me because I kept getting it wrong and kept getting more frustrated. And I had to try SO FREAKING HARD not to cry. I just wanted to go home. I managed to not cry until I got home and had a shower. Then mum came in, noticed I was upset and struggling to move at all, so she gave me a hug and I just lost it. Broke down in sobs, I don't even really know why except for that I was exhausted, had a headache, massively sore and stressed.
Now, I'm lying in bed writing this and it took me almost five minutes of writhing around before I found a position that doesn't put my back into spasms. Not sure how sitting in an exam for two hours tomorrow is gonna go!
I just needed to rant and get my frustration out. I feel like I have more to say, but I don't know what to say or how to say it. So goodnight I guess.

A push in the right direction

This is a bit of a 'ps' from my last post, but I think that these holidays have helped me reassess things. Admittedly, a week ago I was really struggling. But after the UMAT course on Thursday and Friday, I've really put things into perspective and am trying to prioritize things. It really opened my eyes and made me realise that although I was having some doubts, medicine is really what I want to study. I felt at home the whole time we were talking about it, and doing well on the practice UMAT boosted my confidence and made me believe in myself that I can do this. It won't be easy, but for the first time this year, I've got faith in myself that I will make it through this year, pass the UMAT, do well in year 12 and get into medicine.
"And nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!"
"I lost my faith in love, tonight I believe again. My heart was a broken place, and now I feel whole again. You bring me honesty, and that's worth believing in. And I believe, I believe again."
I can, and will do it :)

:)

I had a fairly good week/weekend, for the first time in a while! Well, it was good from about Wednesday really. So on Thursday and Friday I did a course in preparation for the UMAT exam in July. For those who don't know what that is, it's the Undergraduate Medical Admissions Test, and has to be taken by anyone in Australia or NZ who wants to study medicine or dentistry at uni. So anyway, it was a really intense course, 9 to 5 both days, and we did A LOT. On the Friday morning we sat a full length three hour practice exam, and I'm proud to say I actually did pretty well, a lot better than I expected! And then Friday night I had dinner at my best guy friend's house. It's always fun hanging out with Sam, we've been friends since kindy, went to primary school together and have played tennis together for years (he was my mixed doubles partner up at the Renmark Easter tennis tournament, which was a lot of fun!).
Okay so then on Saturday I spent most of the day studying biology, which was surprisingly relaxing because my parents weren't home to nag me and yell at me like usual. Then Saturday night I went out to dinner with my friends from calisthenics, which was a lot of fun. We went to a little upmarket Italian cafe/restaurant, then went and hung out in some bar down the road, and I tried a skittle bomb for the first time, it was heaps nice :) so that was a good night, got to dress up and have a girls night out for the first time in a while!
Then on Sunday I did some chemistry studying, which unfortunately wasn't as productive as my studying on Saturday, but that's okay haha. And Sunday evening I had my tennis club presentation so got to hang out with the tennis people again and have a bit of a hit :) then I went home early to 'study' but actually skyped Bianca which was good :D
And today (Monday) I got to sleep in until 10 and have a relaxing morning because year 12s at my school have mini exams this week and my chemistry one wasn't until this afternoon. I hadn't done much study but I wasn't that worried, I'm focusing more on maths this time around because it's the only summative exam. Anyway, I surprised myself in there, and think I did fairly well! Much better than I expected anyway! And tonight The Voice was on again! I love this show, it makes me laugh :) plus I love watching Delta on it (she's the reason I'm watching it haha).
So anyway, biology exam tomorrow then another day off on Wednesday for Anzac day, maths exam Thursday morning and then all of Friday off. Shaping up to be a good week, which is more than I can say for the last few weeks! So hopefully this week you all won't have to put up with me being all depressing and stuff...
Love you all xxxx

More musings...

1. Some arrogant people really piss me off. Tonight was a prime example of my first blog post last night, about thinking before you speak. Especially if you're in the public spotlight. Even worse for you to say something bad. Sure, you say it wasn't meant to be rude, but on the Internet, the way people read something is what matters, and if it's sounds rude and snobby and bitchy, well that's how people are going to take it.

2. I hate the paranoid feeling when someone writes a tweet or a Facebook status and it seems general, but you think it could be about you. Worst feeling ever. You freak out about whether it's you or not, and try and work out whether anything you said to them that could make them say that... Just so stressful!

What am I doing with myself, and my life? Fuck knows, really.

I need to go to bed. Honestly. It's 1am, and my mum will be waking me up at 9 to finish my stupid research project. But I can't sleep. I'm laying in bed in the dark just contemplating everything. Parents, school, friends, and just life in general. At the moment, life is pretty shit. My parents ignore me most of the time except for when they're yelling at me either about studying/doing my homework, or some random insignificant problem which OF COURSE is my fault. Because EVERYTHING is my fault in this household lately. I don't understand why, but it is. I'm being so submissive all the time, which is really unlike me, but it's the easiest way to get around the house at the moment. I feel like my parents don't give a damn about me, they only care about my schoolwork. Schoolwork is the only thing they talk to me about, and frankly I'm getting sick of it. They don't respect me enough at the moment, I'm not good enough for them. I can't do anything right and whenever something mildly exciting or interesting happens, they're like, "that's nice. Now go and finish your project." This stupid project is taking over my life. It's screwing up my year 12, because of course MY YEAR was when they decided to introduce it so none of the teachers know what they're doing and it's all in shambles. This is turning out to be a great year so far. Not. Everyone says year 12 is the best year of their lives, but I honesty do not understand that. So far it's my worst year.
I feel like I'm just complaining the whole time here. I feel like all I do at the moment is complain. And I'm sorry to the people who have to put up with it all the time, but the truth is, it's really upsetting me. I don't know why, whether it's just the stress, or something else, but at the moment all I do is worry about something or other and I can't help it! People tell me I need to chill out and calm down, but that's never been an easy thing for me to do. I've always been passionate, I've always had a slightly erratic temper when it comes to some things. I try to chill out, but I just can't. I get so worked up about some things that everything builds up and I just snap.
Yesterday I ripped my shirt, snapped three hair ties and threw a large number of pens and other miscellaneous objects at my bedroom wall. I was just so angry, and I tried to calm down but I honesty couldn't control myself.
Nothing helps anymore, nothing works to calm me down. I am constantly stressed out and no one helps with that, especially my parents. Fuck! My parents should be the ones who are trying to help me the most, but they just make it worse and again, it all builds up in my head and I get angry and paranoid and even more stressed. I have a constant, throbbing headache and nothing gets rid of it. Trust me, I've tried. Yesterday I was seriously considering getting out my bottle of vodka and drinking the whole thing. It would be a relief, however dumb and however momentarily, from everything.
My moods are so tumultuous all the time. I can go from being happy to angry to upset, but I'm always overly emotional. I can't stop crying.
I want these feelings to stop, but I don know how to make them go away and leave me alone. And until I or someone else figures out what the hell I'm doing and feeling and how I can feel better, I don't know what the fuck to do.
You're probably at the end of this now and thinking, "what a fucking stupid idiot, get over it". I agree, and I would if I could! And if you HAVE read this whole thing and AREN'T thinking that, then thankyou.

It&apos;s the little things.

Sometimes I just feel so insignificant and unloved. Someone who could be one of my closest, most amazing friends can just ignore me, or make some random flippant comment that will just cut really deep and upset me. Even if they have no intention of it and would feel absolutely terrible if they knew they'd hurt me, it's just one of those things. It can happen if they say something without thinking first, or claiming they're 'busy' when really you know they're doing something else, or whatever. I don't really have a point to make in this post I guess, mainly just that people should take a few more seconds of careful consideration before they do or say something that can really hurt someone. By no means am I blaming anyone in particular right now, and by no means am I claiming complete innocence because I know that I've definitely had my fair share of these moments, but really, it's the little things. I know that from now on I'm going to be more careful about it, because now I know how it feels, I don't want anyone to feel that way. It's just the nagging feeling that you don't belong, or don't mean as much to the person in question. If they'd thought for one more second, they could have avoided something potentially harmful or troublesome to a very special relationship.
There are people I never want to lose, and people who I love so much and would do anything for, and I know they'd do anything for me too. But sometimes, it seems like that's not always enough. You have to focus on the little things, because those are the things that unfortunately get overlooked, but often they are the things that actually matter the most.

Shauna, if you read this and are able to access fanfiction... Read the chapter I just posted. There's something special in it that I think you'll like :)
I love you xxxxxx

Fuck life.

These last few days have been not great at all. I was fine until the weekend. Then my mum made me spend a total of 15 hours on my research project, which gave me a ridiculously nasty headache and completely drained me. Because of that, I have been exhausted all week. I handed my project folio up on Tuesday, and I got home on Tuesday and got ambushed by my mum asking me if I by any chance got an extension so we (read: she) could do more work on it. Because it wasn't already fucking perfect, thanks to her. I'm grateful for her helping me but honestly, basically doing the whole thing for me and making me spend so long on it, an then editing it like 7 times is a bit much. And it really pissed me off after the first couple of hours.
Anyway, my Wednesday was fine, until calisthenics. My coach was being a massive nazi and I got home and burst into tears because I was in so much pain. I hurt my back doing some thing where I go from a plié to middle splits to right splits, I twisted weirdly. And I was still exhausted, had lots of homework, and was really sore.
Then yesterday was probably the worst day. Well the day was fine, it's the nights that suck, because I'm at home. I was excited to Skype my amazing friend Bianca, except of course my dad made me get off it because "it uses up all the Internet". And this was AFTER he had a go at me about getting a C in my first biology test, and gave me a massive lecture about trying harder because I'm not doing well enough. He pretty much made me cry while on Skype to Bianca. Twice. How embarrassing. And then mum gets home and tells me that my Nanna, who is really sick, was back in hospital. I love my Nanna so much, I've always been the closest to her out of all my cousins. Luckily she's out of hospital again today, but she's still not doing too well :(
And finally, my parents are just being massive douches tonight. Dad had another go at me about school and something else, and mum yelled at me for being on the Internet when my brother was trying to play online on his playstation. Because that's so fucking important.
I have a HUGE PILE of homework this weekend. I don't understand maths, it doesn't make any sense and I feel so dumb all the time. I used to be smart. I have never got a C before in my life for anything. Last year I got straight As for fucks sake!
My parents are putting so much pressure on me to do well, and it's just making me more stressed, which really isn't helpful at all.
I'm just in a really bad mood lately, I'm over emotional and completely exhausted. The last three and a half days of term are going to be a massive struggle to get through.
Sorry for the massive rant. I tried to keep the swearing to a minimum. But right now I'm lying in bed in the dark with my music turned up really loud to block out the three other people in my house who are all taking turns either yelling at me or each other.
Life sucks. Have a nice weekend, I know I won't.

Sitting on Top of the World!

I&apos;m happy :)

For the first time in a while, I'm pretty happy at the moment.
I'm sitting at school in my free, realising that I have no homework to do. I finished my maths during class, and we got our maths tests back. I got 27/42, or 64%. Usually I would be extremely disappointed in this, but I'm not really for a couple of reasons. One: it's formative, which means it doesn't count towards our SACE, which is good. Also, even my teacher said it was a really hard test, and there were 3 questions I didn't answer properly: a 6 mark one and two 5 mark questions. In the end I actually got one mark for one of the 5 mark questions, which I wasn't expecting. So I lost 15 marks overall, and they were on those 3 questions. Everything else that I answered, I got right! So I'm pretty proud of myself, seeing as a lot of people failed.
Next, I have also finished my English essay draft, so I don't have to worry about that until Monday now :)
Then I have my research project final folio which is due Tuesday. Last night I did a heap of work on it, and although it's now 34 pages long, I fixed everything I needed to and got some more research and sources done, and I'm pretty happy with it.
So at the moment, my only homework this weekend is putting the finishing touches on my folio!
Also, it's the end of week 8, which means there are less than 2 weeks of term 1 left! Then it's Easter and I'm playing in a tennis tournament up at the river.
And yesterday my Aunty and I organized the hotel we are going to stay in when we go to Sydney in November for LEGALLY BLONDE! We booked flights last weekend, and I'm so freaking excited! Now to get through two and a half more terms of year twelve... But I can do it! Come at me, increased workload and scary exams!
"Staying true to yourself never goes out of style."
Anyways, au revoir for now!
Love you all (my four followers! Hahaha!) xxxxx

To my beautiful wifey, Shauna,

I'm so scared that your mum will see this and then you'll never be allowed to talk to us ever again. I wouldn't be able to live with that. Even as it is, every day is a struggle to get through, knowing I don't have you to talk to anymore. When I was happy, or upset, or whenever really, you were the one I would go to. You were always able to make me laugh, or at least smile. Now, every time I see your name, whether it's a YouTube message like you've been sending me, or just someone else talking about you on twitter, it never fails to make me cry. I read the YouTube message in English the other day and burst into tears. I miss you so fucking much shauna, it hurts to think about you.  But I know you must be feeling worse. I have Bianca, Kelly, Carlie and everyone to talk to. You don't have any of us. I feel so sorry for you and I hope your mum gives your shit back soon.  When she emailed me, I literally broke down. Me and the girls talked for ages about whether we should reply or not, and finally decided not to. However, I drafted a reply which I never meant to send, it was just to get my feelings out. I'm not going to post it here just in case, but I hope that one day you will be able to read it and hopefully laugh with me.  Was it you that reviewed I'm Not That Girl like 8 times anonymously tonight? If it was, thankyou. I got a bit freaked out at first, but if it was you, then I love you :) if it wasn't, I still love you, but you can just forget I said anything about anonymous reviews ;) I have so much to say, but I'd probably better wrap this up because I need to go to bed and I'm bawling my eyes out writing this right now.  So let me say before we part... Shauna I love you so much, you'll always be my wifey. I miss you even more than I love you, which is a lot. Please don't do anything which could get you into trouble. I already hate myself knowing that it was my fault I got your stuff taken away, that night on Skype. If I wasn't allowed to ever talk to you again, I think I'd die. So please, for me, concentrate on school, spend time with your family, and try not to contact us directly. It kills me to say that, for selfish reasons, but it will be better for you in the long run if you just do as your mum says. I don't want you getting into more trouble, it's not worth it sweetie!  I miss you and I love you, always.  Liana xxxxx