Stuck in the background

I was always very definitive about my future. I knew what I wanted to do, how I was going to get there and the sacrifices I would have to make.
For years, I've known what I wanted to do. I had it all mapped out. I wanted to be a doctor. As I got older, I narrowed it down further. I love kids and decided I wanted to be a pediatrician. From the start of high school, that was my goal. Even my dream. I wanted to be one of the girls in the newspaper with perfect marks and a score of 99.95. And in year 7, I'd probably have believed you if you told me I would be that person in five years time. Even last year, I got straight As for the first time ever and believed even more strongly that I could do it.

But now it's all different. I just can't do anything right. I'm getting crap marks, I don't have the motivation to do homework and try to get better marks. I'm a mess. I swear, I am single handedly steam rolling my picture perfect life down the drain. Everyone asks me if I have a backup plan. No one else thinks I can do it either anymore. Everyone used to believe in me so much, and believed I would be the one in the family to be the perfect doctor and just be amazing and, well, perfect. I always was. But I'm not anymore, and I feel like I'm letting so many people down.
And now I don't even know if I want it anymore. I don't even CARE. I'm happy now to settle for second best. I was always a perfectionist, I would NEVER settle for second best. I guess shit's changed a lot in a few months.
My parents still expect that I'm going to do great things though. I've spoken to mum, told her that I don't know if I even want to do this anymore, and my voice is just background noise now. I've told her my second (which is maybe now going to be my first) choice, but she is still set on the idea that I'll work my ass off for the next few months and get the grades to become a doctor. I don't think she realises that I am actually serious about not wanting to do it anymore.
This morning, she said to me, "you need to keep studying for the UMAT. Only a couple more weeks. You can make Nanna proud." Nanna was always proud of me whatever I did. I know if she were still here she wouldn't be disappointed if I didn't do medicine. She wouldn't want to push me to do something I don't want to do anymore. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, I just know that I want school to be over and I want things back the way they used to be.