Falling into the same old pattern

I can't believe I'm doing this again! Every so often, I just fall into the habit of flirting with a certain guy who will remain nameless. Sometimes it's awkward between us but for the most part we are friends. We have chemistry together and lately we've been flirting more than usual. We've had a couple of 'things' on and off since the end of year eight, and every time, I've decided that I don't like him that way anymore. He's the sweetest guy ever and I really like him as a friend, but not more than that. I don't think.
But yeah we've just been flirting heaps and I've been thinking about him and ugh. I don't want to keep hooking up with him at every party, but he's just so sweet and it's like I can't pull myself away from him!
Arghhhhhh :/

Yep.

I hate my parents.

I used to be a positive person, but this year, I'm not.

At the moment, I'm really hating my life.

I would leave if I could. Even for a couple of days, to scare my parents. Make them see what they're losing. And I would do it for sure, except I don't have any money or anywhere to go.

And it wouldn't be very helpful for everything else in my life if I left. Cali, tennis, everything. I'd just like to make them realise that they can't just treat me like shit and push me around all the time, I'm not fucking five years old anymore!
I know that I have to do my fucking homework, and study for exams! But I'm not going to waste the little free time that I DO have on doing pointless things like memorising every single element in the periodic table, which my dad suggested I should do. Not going to be of much help and it's a fucking stupid idea. And learning random things from the internet will not get me extra marks because if we aren't taught them, they aren't in the fucking curriculum and therefore we aren't supposed to write pointless answers about things that don't mean anything and won't get me any marks.
I just... I want this school year to be over. Sure, people tell me I'll miss it later, and I'm sure I will, but for now, I hate it. I used to have a good relationship with my parents, but I don't at the moment. And I don't know how much that will change over the course of this year.
I don't want to have a strained relationship with them, and maybe I wouldn't if they didn't yell at me for every single thing! I admit, some things are warranted, but most things are not! And I'm not just saying that to complain about how unfair they are. I literally cannot do anything right in their eyes. They just don't understand what I'm doing, and what I'm saying.
They don't understand the new SACE and education system, and are convinced they're always right. I try to explain things, but they're too close minded to consider what I'm saying, instead just choosing to focus on what they believe is right, from 25 years ago! Yeah, things have changed a bit since then...

I am in so much pain right now. I've been sitting at my desk studying for my maths exam most of the day, so being hunched over the whole time already killed my neck and back. And gave me an excruciating headache. At 7pm I went to calisthenics. I was already tired and sore and stiff, and took my maths books in the hope I'd get some of my cheat sheet written while I wasn't on stage. So I was okay for the first couple of hours, understandably tired though. Exercises, dance and march went surprisingly well. Then we got to clubs. Again that wasn't too bad and seeing as I'm not on for very much of clubs, I thankfully did get almost half my cheat sheet done. Then we did rods. We went over one exercise that of course happened to be a splits/floor exercise. Now, after already having done exercises and dance earlier, both of which have a fair bit of floor work that we were working on, this rods bit killed me. I could not kneel anymore, I had/have bruises all over my feet, ankles and knees. And I couldn't get this one bit! I just got confused, and then my coach yelled at me because I kept getting it wrong and kept getting more frustrated. And I had to try SO FREAKING HARD not to cry. I just wanted to go home. I managed to not cry until I got home and had a shower. Then mum came in, noticed I was upset and struggling to move at all, so she gave me a hug and I just lost it. Broke down in sobs, I don't even really know why except for that I was exhausted, had a headache, massively sore and stressed.
Now, I'm lying in bed writing this and it took me almost five minutes of writhing around before I found a position that doesn't put my back into spasms. Not sure how sitting in an exam for two hours tomorrow is gonna go!
I just needed to rant and get my frustration out. I feel like I have more to say, but I don't know what to say or how to say it. So goodnight I guess.

A push in the right direction

This is a bit of a 'ps' from my last post, but I think that these holidays have helped me reassess things. Admittedly, a week ago I was really struggling. But after the UMAT course on Thursday and Friday, I've really put things into perspective and am trying to prioritize things. It really opened my eyes and made me realise that although I was having some doubts, medicine is really what I want to study. I felt at home the whole time we were talking about it, and doing well on the practice UMAT boosted my confidence and made me believe in myself that I can do this. It won't be easy, but for the first time this year, I've got faith in myself that I will make it through this year, pass the UMAT, do well in year 12 and get into medicine.
"And nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!"
"I lost my faith in love, tonight I believe again. My heart was a broken place, and now I feel whole again. You bring me honesty, and that's worth believing in. And I believe, I believe again."
I can, and will do it :)

:)

I had a fairly good week/weekend, for the first time in a while! Well, it was good from about Wednesday really. So on Thursday and Friday I did a course in preparation for the UMAT exam in July. For those who don't know what that is, it's the Undergraduate Medical Admissions Test, and has to be taken by anyone in Australia or NZ who wants to study medicine or dentistry at uni. So anyway, it was a really intense course, 9 to 5 both days, and we did A LOT. On the Friday morning we sat a full length three hour practice exam, and I'm proud to say I actually did pretty well, a lot better than I expected! And then Friday night I had dinner at my best guy friend's house. It's always fun hanging out with Sam, we've been friends since kindy, went to primary school together and have played tennis together for years (he was my mixed doubles partner up at the Renmark Easter tennis tournament, which was a lot of fun!).
Okay so then on Saturday I spent most of the day studying biology, which was surprisingly relaxing because my parents weren't home to nag me and yell at me like usual. Then Saturday night I went out to dinner with my friends from calisthenics, which was a lot of fun. We went to a little upmarket Italian cafe/restaurant, then went and hung out in some bar down the road, and I tried a skittle bomb for the first time, it was heaps nice :) so that was a good night, got to dress up and have a girls night out for the first time in a while!
Then on Sunday I did some chemistry studying, which unfortunately wasn't as productive as my studying on Saturday, but that's okay haha. And Sunday evening I had my tennis club presentation so got to hang out with the tennis people again and have a bit of a hit :) then I went home early to 'study' but actually skyped Bianca which was good :D
And today (Monday) I got to sleep in until 10 and have a relaxing morning because year 12s at my school have mini exams this week and my chemistry one wasn't until this afternoon. I hadn't done much study but I wasn't that worried, I'm focusing more on maths this time around because it's the only summative exam. Anyway, I surprised myself in there, and think I did fairly well! Much better than I expected anyway! And tonight The Voice was on again! I love this show, it makes me laugh :) plus I love watching Delta on it (she's the reason I'm watching it haha).
So anyway, biology exam tomorrow then another day off on Wednesday for Anzac day, maths exam Thursday morning and then all of Friday off. Shaping up to be a good week, which is more than I can say for the last few weeks! So hopefully this week you all won't have to put up with me being all depressing and stuff...
Love you all xxxx

More musings...

1. Some arrogant people really piss me off. Tonight was a prime example of my first blog post last night, about thinking before you speak. Especially if you're in the public spotlight. Even worse for you to say something bad. Sure, you say it wasn't meant to be rude, but on the Internet, the way people read something is what matters, and if it's sounds rude and snobby and bitchy, well that's how people are going to take it.

2. I hate the paranoid feeling when someone writes a tweet or a Facebook status and it seems general, but you think it could be about you. Worst feeling ever. You freak out about whether it's you or not, and try and work out whether anything you said to them that could make them say that... Just so stressful!

What am I doing with myself, and my life? Fuck knows, really.

I need to go to bed. Honestly. It's 1am, and my mum will be waking me up at 9 to finish my stupid research project. But I can't sleep. I'm laying in bed in the dark just contemplating everything. Parents, school, friends, and just life in general. At the moment, life is pretty shit. My parents ignore me most of the time except for when they're yelling at me either about studying/doing my homework, or some random insignificant problem which OF COURSE is my fault. Because EVERYTHING is my fault in this household lately. I don't understand why, but it is. I'm being so submissive all the time, which is really unlike me, but it's the easiest way to get around the house at the moment. I feel like my parents don't give a damn about me, they only care about my schoolwork. Schoolwork is the only thing they talk to me about, and frankly I'm getting sick of it. They don't respect me enough at the moment, I'm not good enough for them. I can't do anything right and whenever something mildly exciting or interesting happens, they're like, "that's nice. Now go and finish your project." This stupid project is taking over my life. It's screwing up my year 12, because of course MY YEAR was when they decided to introduce it so none of the teachers know what they're doing and it's all in shambles. This is turning out to be a great year so far. Not. Everyone says year 12 is the best year of their lives, but I honesty do not understand that. So far it's my worst year.
I feel like I'm just complaining the whole time here. I feel like all I do at the moment is complain. And I'm sorry to the people who have to put up with it all the time, but the truth is, it's really upsetting me. I don't know why, whether it's just the stress, or something else, but at the moment all I do is worry about something or other and I can't help it! People tell me I need to chill out and calm down, but that's never been an easy thing for me to do. I've always been passionate, I've always had a slightly erratic temper when it comes to some things. I try to chill out, but I just can't. I get so worked up about some things that everything builds up and I just snap.
Yesterday I ripped my shirt, snapped three hair ties and threw a large number of pens and other miscellaneous objects at my bedroom wall. I was just so angry, and I tried to calm down but I honesty couldn't control myself.
Nothing helps anymore, nothing works to calm me down. I am constantly stressed out and no one helps with that, especially my parents. Fuck! My parents should be the ones who are trying to help me the most, but they just make it worse and again, it all builds up in my head and I get angry and paranoid and even more stressed. I have a constant, throbbing headache and nothing gets rid of it. Trust me, I've tried. Yesterday I was seriously considering getting out my bottle of vodka and drinking the whole thing. It would be a relief, however dumb and however momentarily, from everything.
My moods are so tumultuous all the time. I can go from being happy to angry to upset, but I'm always overly emotional. I can't stop crying.
I want these feelings to stop, but I don know how to make them go away and leave me alone. And until I or someone else figures out what the hell I'm doing and feeling and how I can feel better, I don't know what the fuck to do.
You're probably at the end of this now and thinking, "what a fucking stupid idiot, get over it". I agree, and I would if I could! And if you HAVE read this whole thing and AREN'T thinking that, then thankyou.

It's the little things.

Sometimes I just feel so insignificant and unloved. Someone who could be one of my closest, most amazing friends can just ignore me, or make some random flippant comment that will just cut really deep and upset me. Even if they have no intention of it and would feel absolutely terrible if they knew they'd hurt me, it's just one of those things. It can happen if they say something without thinking first, or claiming they're 'busy' when really you know they're doing something else, or whatever. I don't really have a point to make in this post I guess, mainly just that people should take a few more seconds of careful consideration before they do or say something that can really hurt someone. By no means am I blaming anyone in particular right now, and by no means am I claiming complete innocence because I know that I've definitely had my fair share of these moments, but really, it's the little things. I know that from now on I'm going to be more careful about it, because now I know how it feels, I don't want anyone to feel that way. It's just the nagging feeling that you don't belong, or don't mean as much to the person in question. If they'd thought for one more second, they could have avoided something potentially harmful or troublesome to a very special relationship.
There are people I never want to lose, and people who I love so much and would do anything for, and I know they'd do anything for me too. But sometimes, it seems like that's not always enough. You have to focus on the little things, because those are the things that unfortunately get overlooked, but often they are the things that actually matter the most.

Shauna, if you read this and are able to access fanfiction... Read the chapter I just posted. There's something special in it that I think you'll like :)
I love you xxxxxx