Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Monday, 21 May 2012
The last day and a half have not been good. I've been having the worst day, I can't do anything right and feel so dumb all the time. Last night me and my parents had a massive fight about my research project, I made my mum cry and I don't even care. Her excuse was "I have not had a good day". Well whoopdedoo, you aren't the only one! And then I got so angry and sword at her and had a massive tantrum because I'm tired and frustrated and PMS and dumb. And I finally broke down and cried properly last night, for like an hour. At about 10pm, I walked away from my mum who was trying to tell me she was right even though I know she wasn't because she wasn't there when we got told how to do it. I may not know exactly how to write this stupid thing, but at least I know what we're meant to do. She just doesn't listen to me!! So anyway I walked away and went upstairs and did my maths homework. For about three hours. Then I did my chem assignment. And my English oral. I went to bed at 2am. I woke up at 7am and looked in the mirror. Intense crying + not much sleep = hideous Liana. No joke, my eyes were puffy and bloodshot, I could hardly see. And then mum tried to tell me something and made me cry again. And then I got to school and was okay before school, until first lesson which happened to be research project. I was looking at all the stuff mum had done last night and the crap she printed out that has no meaning whatsoever, and I just started crying again. Not sure if anyone noticed, I just pretended I was looking for something in my bag under the desk.
And since then, I've just had a crap day. In chem I got my assignment back and got 1/10 because she happened to only mark the section that I got confused with and couldn't do. The whole rest of the assignment I could do, but no she had to pick that bit. Then had a go at me and said that I wasn't trying hard enough and I need to do better. Sure, I haven't done that great in the two summative tests so far, but in every single assignment so far, which are formative, I've got full marks or close to full marks. But of course my ability is judged from one assignment that I happened to not do well in this time, and doesn't even mean anything. And then she said I should consider moving up the front somewhere so that Rhys and Nick don't distract me and so that I can concentrate and pay attention. They don't distract me, most of the time I just ignore them! And she spoke in this soft voice that sounded like she was really disappointed in me, not angry, and that almost made me burst into tears again.
I just want something good to happen, something good to come out of all this crap that's going on at the moment!
Heaps of people are being bitchy at school, I'm not getting along very well with people who I used to get on fine with, and it seems like half the year hates me at the moment. I don't understand, I feel so alone all the time, even when I'm with friends.
And since then, I've just had a crap day. In chem I got my assignment back and got 1/10 because she happened to only mark the section that I got confused with and couldn't do. The whole rest of the assignment I could do, but no she had to pick that bit. Then had a go at me and said that I wasn't trying hard enough and I need to do better. Sure, I haven't done that great in the two summative tests so far, but in every single assignment so far, which are formative, I've got full marks or close to full marks. But of course my ability is judged from one assignment that I happened to not do well in this time, and doesn't even mean anything. And then she said I should consider moving up the front somewhere so that Rhys and Nick don't distract me and so that I can concentrate and pay attention. They don't distract me, most of the time I just ignore them! And she spoke in this soft voice that sounded like she was really disappointed in me, not angry, and that almost made me burst into tears again.
I just want something good to happen, something good to come out of all this crap that's going on at the moment!
Heaps of people are being bitchy at school, I'm not getting along very well with people who I used to get on fine with, and it seems like half the year hates me at the moment. I don't understand, I feel so alone all the time, even when I'm with friends.
Monday, 14 May 2012
For Tahlia.
I have to say this. And after September of 2010, I really thought I'd never hear myself say it. But I miss Tahlia. I miss her a lot. We had the most amazing, random, fun and deep conversations. We spoke for hours EVERY NIGHT on the phone, and when we weren't on the phone, wherever possible, we were on MSN talking.
I'm going to backtrack a bit, for those of you who don't know who I'm talking about.
Tahlia Ford. I met her in about May of 2009 on the Delta Goodrem Official Forum. We sent each other a couple of DMs on it, just being friendly and introducing ourselves. Then we progressed to swapping MSN addresses and talking on there. A lot. After a while, we started texting lots and talking on the phone. We became so close, it was so amazing. I wasn't particularly close with anyone at school at the time, except for maybe one amazing person who I still love to bits now. And she was also really the only one who understood me and Tahlia. Eventually, Tahlia and I became best friends. Sure, we had never met (she lives in Melbourne, I live in Adelaide), but we talked all the time. Sometimes our conversations were fun, random and lighthearted, and I still vividly remember one of them. It is making me cry just thinking about it now, because it was hilarious and ridiculous and was one of the most amazing times in my life, I loved her so much. We helped each other get through a lot of problems. I like to think I helped her largely to stop self harming herself. We would stay strong for one another when we needed each other. Our 'song' was Never Fades Away, a beautiful Delta song that summed up our relationship perfectly.
About a year after we met, we started talking about meeting. Surprisingly, my parents agreed to have her come over and stay for a week in the school holidays. We arranged everything and were both so excited.
She came in July for a week. We went shopping together, one day we went to the zoo. We had a personal joke about the pandas, Wang Wang and Funi, and went to see them together. I had an amazing week, and I was so happy just hanging out with her 24/7. She was my best friend, after all, and I'd never had a proper best friend before. Not in kindergarten, not all through primary school, not in the first couple of years of high school either.
When she left, I was upset but knew we would still talk lots. We even talked about me going to visit her at some stage as well.
I texted her a couple of times in the week after she left, and she didn't reply. I started sending her some facebook messages and more texts and everything, and she just never replied. Eventually, I kind of gave up. At the start of September, I tried one more time because I really missed her. She finally replied to that message on facebook. And I still have her reply. You have no idea how much I cried over it. For HOURS, I bawled my eyes out. She didn't give a shit about me. She said that she'd had a terrible time when she stayed with me and I treated her like shit. All of what she said was total crap, and it upset me so much. She said she didn't want to be friends anymore because it just didn't work out. I didn't understand, it seemed like she was enjoying herself the whole time.
We stopped talking, but I was still so upset. She deleted me from facebook, and I deleted all her messages I had saved on my phone, and photos we'd taken. It hurt too much to look at them.
About a year later, she added me on facebook again. I didn't know what to do, and the same amazing friend mentioned above (she knows who she is, and if you're reading this, I love you so much beautiful!) encouraged me to accept it and talk to her. So I did. She gave me these excuses, saying she was having a really hard time when she sent me that message and was pissed off and upset. That hurt too, because even if she was telling the truth this time, she lied before and caused me hours of crying.
Since we talked that last time, we haven't talked again. We're just too different now. From what I can see on facebook at the moment, she's in hospital. I'm not sure exactly what for, but I'm thinking maybe an eating disorder. She had always been paranoid about her weight, even though she's beautiful. That was one of the things I thought I'd helped her to get over, but I guess not.
Oh well. What's done is done, and I don't think we're probably ever going to speak to each other again. But I do really miss her, and even though she hurt me a lot, and even though she annoys me with her over-dramatic statuses and photo captions on facebook, there is still part of me that loves her.
It sounds stupid, but she was my first real best friend. Losing someone like that will always hurt, and because she was so special to me, I will probably never completely forget her and stop loving her.
I haven't listened to Never Fades Away since September 2010. I don't know when I will, it reminds me of her too much.
I don't know how many people will read this whole post and care about anything I've said, but this is for Tahlia. And anyone who's ever lost someone that special to them.
I'm going to backtrack a bit, for those of you who don't know who I'm talking about.
Tahlia Ford. I met her in about May of 2009 on the Delta Goodrem Official Forum. We sent each other a couple of DMs on it, just being friendly and introducing ourselves. Then we progressed to swapping MSN addresses and talking on there. A lot. After a while, we started texting lots and talking on the phone. We became so close, it was so amazing. I wasn't particularly close with anyone at school at the time, except for maybe one amazing person who I still love to bits now. And she was also really the only one who understood me and Tahlia. Eventually, Tahlia and I became best friends. Sure, we had never met (she lives in Melbourne, I live in Adelaide), but we talked all the time. Sometimes our conversations were fun, random and lighthearted, and I still vividly remember one of them. It is making me cry just thinking about it now, because it was hilarious and ridiculous and was one of the most amazing times in my life, I loved her so much. We helped each other get through a lot of problems. I like to think I helped her largely to stop self harming herself. We would stay strong for one another when we needed each other. Our 'song' was Never Fades Away, a beautiful Delta song that summed up our relationship perfectly.
About a year after we met, we started talking about meeting. Surprisingly, my parents agreed to have her come over and stay for a week in the school holidays. We arranged everything and were both so excited.
She came in July for a week. We went shopping together, one day we went to the zoo. We had a personal joke about the pandas, Wang Wang and Funi, and went to see them together. I had an amazing week, and I was so happy just hanging out with her 24/7. She was my best friend, after all, and I'd never had a proper best friend before. Not in kindergarten, not all through primary school, not in the first couple of years of high school either.
When she left, I was upset but knew we would still talk lots. We even talked about me going to visit her at some stage as well.
I texted her a couple of times in the week after she left, and she didn't reply. I started sending her some facebook messages and more texts and everything, and she just never replied. Eventually, I kind of gave up. At the start of September, I tried one more time because I really missed her. She finally replied to that message on facebook. And I still have her reply. You have no idea how much I cried over it. For HOURS, I bawled my eyes out. She didn't give a shit about me. She said that she'd had a terrible time when she stayed with me and I treated her like shit. All of what she said was total crap, and it upset me so much. She said she didn't want to be friends anymore because it just didn't work out. I didn't understand, it seemed like she was enjoying herself the whole time.
We stopped talking, but I was still so upset. She deleted me from facebook, and I deleted all her messages I had saved on my phone, and photos we'd taken. It hurt too much to look at them.
About a year later, she added me on facebook again. I didn't know what to do, and the same amazing friend mentioned above (she knows who she is, and if you're reading this, I love you so much beautiful!) encouraged me to accept it and talk to her. So I did. She gave me these excuses, saying she was having a really hard time when she sent me that message and was pissed off and upset. That hurt too, because even if she was telling the truth this time, she lied before and caused me hours of crying.
Since we talked that last time, we haven't talked again. We're just too different now. From what I can see on facebook at the moment, she's in hospital. I'm not sure exactly what for, but I'm thinking maybe an eating disorder. She had always been paranoid about her weight, even though she's beautiful. That was one of the things I thought I'd helped her to get over, but I guess not.
Oh well. What's done is done, and I don't think we're probably ever going to speak to each other again. But I do really miss her, and even though she hurt me a lot, and even though she annoys me with her over-dramatic statuses and photo captions on facebook, there is still part of me that loves her.
It sounds stupid, but she was my first real best friend. Losing someone like that will always hurt, and because she was so special to me, I will probably never completely forget her and stop loving her.
I haven't listened to Never Fades Away since September 2010. I don't know when I will, it reminds me of her too much.
I don't know how many people will read this whole post and care about anything I've said, but this is for Tahlia. And anyone who's ever lost someone that special to them.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
It's nice to see my parents have so much faith in me and my abilities. They honestly don't think I can get into medicine.
On top of that, they don't want me to do medicine anyway because they don't want all this pressure on me. They think I'm going to commit suicide or something from the pressure. Which doesn't make sense because they don't want to me to have all this pressure on me at uni, but they are putting all this pressure on me now?
Fricken topsy turvy, that's what my parents are...
On top of that, they don't want me to do medicine anyway because they don't want all this pressure on me. They think I'm going to commit suicide or something from the pressure. Which doesn't make sense because they don't want to me to have all this pressure on me at uni, but they are putting all this pressure on me now?
Fricken topsy turvy, that's what my parents are...
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