Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Monday, 21 May 2012
The last day and a half have not been good. I've been having the worst day, I can't do anything right and feel so dumb all the time. Last night me and my parents had a massive fight about my research project, I made my mum cry and I don't even care. Her excuse was "I have not had a good day". Well whoopdedoo, you aren't the only one! And then I got so angry and sword at her and had a massive tantrum because I'm tired and frustrated and PMS and dumb. And I finally broke down and cried properly last night, for like an hour. At about 10pm, I walked away from my mum who was trying to tell me she was right even though I know she wasn't because she wasn't there when we got told how to do it. I may not know exactly how to write this stupid thing, but at least I know what we're meant to do. She just doesn't listen to me!! So anyway I walked away and went upstairs and did my maths homework. For about three hours. Then I did my chem assignment. And my English oral. I went to bed at 2am. I woke up at 7am and looked in the mirror. Intense crying + not much sleep = hideous Liana. No joke, my eyes were puffy and bloodshot, I could hardly see. And then mum tried to tell me something and made me cry again. And then I got to school and was okay before school, until first lesson which happened to be research project. I was looking at all the stuff mum had done last night and the crap she printed out that has no meaning whatsoever, and I just started crying again. Not sure if anyone noticed, I just pretended I was looking for something in my bag under the desk.
And since then, I've just had a crap day. In chem I got my assignment back and got 1/10 because she happened to only mark the section that I got confused with and couldn't do. The whole rest of the assignment I could do, but no she had to pick that bit. Then had a go at me and said that I wasn't trying hard enough and I need to do better. Sure, I haven't done that great in the two summative tests so far, but in every single assignment so far, which are formative, I've got full marks or close to full marks. But of course my ability is judged from one assignment that I happened to not do well in this time, and doesn't even mean anything. And then she said I should consider moving up the front somewhere so that Rhys and Nick don't distract me and so that I can concentrate and pay attention. They don't distract me, most of the time I just ignore them! And she spoke in this soft voice that sounded like she was really disappointed in me, not angry, and that almost made me burst into tears again.
I just want something good to happen, something good to come out of all this crap that's going on at the moment!
Heaps of people are being bitchy at school, I'm not getting along very well with people who I used to get on fine with, and it seems like half the year hates me at the moment. I don't understand, I feel so alone all the time, even when I'm with friends.
And since then, I've just had a crap day. In chem I got my assignment back and got 1/10 because she happened to only mark the section that I got confused with and couldn't do. The whole rest of the assignment I could do, but no she had to pick that bit. Then had a go at me and said that I wasn't trying hard enough and I need to do better. Sure, I haven't done that great in the two summative tests so far, but in every single assignment so far, which are formative, I've got full marks or close to full marks. But of course my ability is judged from one assignment that I happened to not do well in this time, and doesn't even mean anything. And then she said I should consider moving up the front somewhere so that Rhys and Nick don't distract me and so that I can concentrate and pay attention. They don't distract me, most of the time I just ignore them! And she spoke in this soft voice that sounded like she was really disappointed in me, not angry, and that almost made me burst into tears again.
I just want something good to happen, something good to come out of all this crap that's going on at the moment!
Heaps of people are being bitchy at school, I'm not getting along very well with people who I used to get on fine with, and it seems like half the year hates me at the moment. I don't understand, I feel so alone all the time, even when I'm with friends.
Monday, 14 May 2012
For Tahlia.
I have to say this. And after September of 2010, I really thought I'd never hear myself say it. But I miss Tahlia. I miss her a lot. We had the most amazing, random, fun and deep conversations. We spoke for hours EVERY NIGHT on the phone, and when we weren't on the phone, wherever possible, we were on MSN talking.
I'm going to backtrack a bit, for those of you who don't know who I'm talking about.
Tahlia Ford. I met her in about May of 2009 on the Delta Goodrem Official Forum. We sent each other a couple of DMs on it, just being friendly and introducing ourselves. Then we progressed to swapping MSN addresses and talking on there. A lot. After a while, we started texting lots and talking on the phone. We became so close, it was so amazing. I wasn't particularly close with anyone at school at the time, except for maybe one amazing person who I still love to bits now. And she was also really the only one who understood me and Tahlia. Eventually, Tahlia and I became best friends. Sure, we had never met (she lives in Melbourne, I live in Adelaide), but we talked all the time. Sometimes our conversations were fun, random and lighthearted, and I still vividly remember one of them. It is making me cry just thinking about it now, because it was hilarious and ridiculous and was one of the most amazing times in my life, I loved her so much. We helped each other get through a lot of problems. I like to think I helped her largely to stop self harming herself. We would stay strong for one another when we needed each other. Our 'song' was Never Fades Away, a beautiful Delta song that summed up our relationship perfectly.
About a year after we met, we started talking about meeting. Surprisingly, my parents agreed to have her come over and stay for a week in the school holidays. We arranged everything and were both so excited.
She came in July for a week. We went shopping together, one day we went to the zoo. We had a personal joke about the pandas, Wang Wang and Funi, and went to see them together. I had an amazing week, and I was so happy just hanging out with her 24/7. She was my best friend, after all, and I'd never had a proper best friend before. Not in kindergarten, not all through primary school, not in the first couple of years of high school either.
When she left, I was upset but knew we would still talk lots. We even talked about me going to visit her at some stage as well.
I texted her a couple of times in the week after she left, and she didn't reply. I started sending her some facebook messages and more texts and everything, and she just never replied. Eventually, I kind of gave up. At the start of September, I tried one more time because I really missed her. She finally replied to that message on facebook. And I still have her reply. You have no idea how much I cried over it. For HOURS, I bawled my eyes out. She didn't give a shit about me. She said that she'd had a terrible time when she stayed with me and I treated her like shit. All of what she said was total crap, and it upset me so much. She said she didn't want to be friends anymore because it just didn't work out. I didn't understand, it seemed like she was enjoying herself the whole time.
We stopped talking, but I was still so upset. She deleted me from facebook, and I deleted all her messages I had saved on my phone, and photos we'd taken. It hurt too much to look at them.
About a year later, she added me on facebook again. I didn't know what to do, and the same amazing friend mentioned above (she knows who she is, and if you're reading this, I love you so much beautiful!) encouraged me to accept it and talk to her. So I did. She gave me these excuses, saying she was having a really hard time when she sent me that message and was pissed off and upset. That hurt too, because even if she was telling the truth this time, she lied before and caused me hours of crying.
Since we talked that last time, we haven't talked again. We're just too different now. From what I can see on facebook at the moment, she's in hospital. I'm not sure exactly what for, but I'm thinking maybe an eating disorder. She had always been paranoid about her weight, even though she's beautiful. That was one of the things I thought I'd helped her to get over, but I guess not.
Oh well. What's done is done, and I don't think we're probably ever going to speak to each other again. But I do really miss her, and even though she hurt me a lot, and even though she annoys me with her over-dramatic statuses and photo captions on facebook, there is still part of me that loves her.
It sounds stupid, but she was my first real best friend. Losing someone like that will always hurt, and because she was so special to me, I will probably never completely forget her and stop loving her.
I haven't listened to Never Fades Away since September 2010. I don't know when I will, it reminds me of her too much.
I don't know how many people will read this whole post and care about anything I've said, but this is for Tahlia. And anyone who's ever lost someone that special to them.
I'm going to backtrack a bit, for those of you who don't know who I'm talking about.
Tahlia Ford. I met her in about May of 2009 on the Delta Goodrem Official Forum. We sent each other a couple of DMs on it, just being friendly and introducing ourselves. Then we progressed to swapping MSN addresses and talking on there. A lot. After a while, we started texting lots and talking on the phone. We became so close, it was so amazing. I wasn't particularly close with anyone at school at the time, except for maybe one amazing person who I still love to bits now. And she was also really the only one who understood me and Tahlia. Eventually, Tahlia and I became best friends. Sure, we had never met (she lives in Melbourne, I live in Adelaide), but we talked all the time. Sometimes our conversations were fun, random and lighthearted, and I still vividly remember one of them. It is making me cry just thinking about it now, because it was hilarious and ridiculous and was one of the most amazing times in my life, I loved her so much. We helped each other get through a lot of problems. I like to think I helped her largely to stop self harming herself. We would stay strong for one another when we needed each other. Our 'song' was Never Fades Away, a beautiful Delta song that summed up our relationship perfectly.
About a year after we met, we started talking about meeting. Surprisingly, my parents agreed to have her come over and stay for a week in the school holidays. We arranged everything and were both so excited.
She came in July for a week. We went shopping together, one day we went to the zoo. We had a personal joke about the pandas, Wang Wang and Funi, and went to see them together. I had an amazing week, and I was so happy just hanging out with her 24/7. She was my best friend, after all, and I'd never had a proper best friend before. Not in kindergarten, not all through primary school, not in the first couple of years of high school either.
When she left, I was upset but knew we would still talk lots. We even talked about me going to visit her at some stage as well.
I texted her a couple of times in the week after she left, and she didn't reply. I started sending her some facebook messages and more texts and everything, and she just never replied. Eventually, I kind of gave up. At the start of September, I tried one more time because I really missed her. She finally replied to that message on facebook. And I still have her reply. You have no idea how much I cried over it. For HOURS, I bawled my eyes out. She didn't give a shit about me. She said that she'd had a terrible time when she stayed with me and I treated her like shit. All of what she said was total crap, and it upset me so much. She said she didn't want to be friends anymore because it just didn't work out. I didn't understand, it seemed like she was enjoying herself the whole time.
We stopped talking, but I was still so upset. She deleted me from facebook, and I deleted all her messages I had saved on my phone, and photos we'd taken. It hurt too much to look at them.
About a year later, she added me on facebook again. I didn't know what to do, and the same amazing friend mentioned above (she knows who she is, and if you're reading this, I love you so much beautiful!) encouraged me to accept it and talk to her. So I did. She gave me these excuses, saying she was having a really hard time when she sent me that message and was pissed off and upset. That hurt too, because even if she was telling the truth this time, she lied before and caused me hours of crying.
Since we talked that last time, we haven't talked again. We're just too different now. From what I can see on facebook at the moment, she's in hospital. I'm not sure exactly what for, but I'm thinking maybe an eating disorder. She had always been paranoid about her weight, even though she's beautiful. That was one of the things I thought I'd helped her to get over, but I guess not.
Oh well. What's done is done, and I don't think we're probably ever going to speak to each other again. But I do really miss her, and even though she hurt me a lot, and even though she annoys me with her over-dramatic statuses and photo captions on facebook, there is still part of me that loves her.
It sounds stupid, but she was my first real best friend. Losing someone like that will always hurt, and because she was so special to me, I will probably never completely forget her and stop loving her.
I haven't listened to Never Fades Away since September 2010. I don't know when I will, it reminds me of her too much.
I don't know how many people will read this whole post and care about anything I've said, but this is for Tahlia. And anyone who's ever lost someone that special to them.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
It's nice to see my parents have so much faith in me and my abilities. They honestly don't think I can get into medicine.
On top of that, they don't want me to do medicine anyway because they don't want all this pressure on me. They think I'm going to commit suicide or something from the pressure. Which doesn't make sense because they don't want to me to have all this pressure on me at uni, but they are putting all this pressure on me now?
Fricken topsy turvy, that's what my parents are...
On top of that, they don't want me to do medicine anyway because they don't want all this pressure on me. They think I'm going to commit suicide or something from the pressure. Which doesn't make sense because they don't want to me to have all this pressure on me at uni, but they are putting all this pressure on me now?
Fricken topsy turvy, that's what my parents are...
Monday, 30 April 2012
Falling into the same old pattern
I can't believe I'm doing this again! Every so often, I just fall into the habit of flirting with a certain guy who will remain nameless. Sometimes it's awkward between us but for the most part we are friends. We have chemistry together and lately we've been flirting more than usual. We've had a couple of 'things' on and off since the end of year eight, and every time, I've decided that I don't like him that way anymore. He's the sweetest guy ever and I really like him as a friend, but not more than that. I don't think.
But yeah we've just been flirting heaps and I've been thinking about him and ugh. I don't want to keep hooking up with him at every party, but he's just so sweet and it's like I can't pull myself away from him!
Arghhhhhh :/
But yeah we've just been flirting heaps and I've been thinking about him and ugh. I don't want to keep hooking up with him at every party, but he's just so sweet and it's like I can't pull myself away from him!
Arghhhhhh :/
Yep.
I hate my parents.
I know that I have to do my fucking homework, and study for exams! But I'm not going to waste the little free time that I DO have on doing pointless things like memorising every single element in the periodic table, which my dad suggested I should do. Not going to be of much help and it's a fucking stupid idea. And learning random things from the internet will not get me extra marks because if we aren't taught them, they aren't in the fucking curriculum and therefore we aren't supposed to write pointless answers about things that don't mean anything and won't get me any marks.
I just... I want this school year to be over. Sure, people tell me I'll miss it later, and I'm sure I will, but for now, I hate it. I used to have a good relationship with my parents, but I don't at the moment. And I don't know how much that will change over the course of this year.
I don't want to have a strained relationship with them, and maybe I wouldn't if they didn't yell at me for every single thing! I admit, some things are warranted, but most things are not! And I'm not just saying that to complain about how unfair they are. I literally cannot do anything right in their eyes. They just don't understand what I'm doing, and what I'm saying.
They don't understand the new SACE and education system, and are convinced they're always right. I try to explain things, but they're too close minded to consider what I'm saying, instead just choosing to focus on what they believe is right, from 25 years ago! Yeah, things have changed a bit since then...
I used to be a positive person, but this year, I'm not.
At the moment, I'm really hating my life.
I would leave if I could. Even for a couple of days, to scare my parents. Make them see what they're losing. And I would do it for sure, except I don't have any money or anywhere to go.
And it wouldn't be very helpful for everything else in my life if I left. Cali, tennis, everything. I'd just like to make them realise that they can't just treat me like shit and push me around all the time, I'm not fucking five years old anymore!I know that I have to do my fucking homework, and study for exams! But I'm not going to waste the little free time that I DO have on doing pointless things like memorising every single element in the periodic table, which my dad suggested I should do. Not going to be of much help and it's a fucking stupid idea. And learning random things from the internet will not get me extra marks because if we aren't taught them, they aren't in the fucking curriculum and therefore we aren't supposed to write pointless answers about things that don't mean anything and won't get me any marks.
I just... I want this school year to be over. Sure, people tell me I'll miss it later, and I'm sure I will, but for now, I hate it. I used to have a good relationship with my parents, but I don't at the moment. And I don't know how much that will change over the course of this year.
I don't want to have a strained relationship with them, and maybe I wouldn't if they didn't yell at me for every single thing! I admit, some things are warranted, but most things are not! And I'm not just saying that to complain about how unfair they are. I literally cannot do anything right in their eyes. They just don't understand what I'm doing, and what I'm saying.
They don't understand the new SACE and education system, and are convinced they're always right. I try to explain things, but they're too close minded to consider what I'm saying, instead just choosing to focus on what they believe is right, from 25 years ago! Yeah, things have changed a bit since then...
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
I am in so much pain right now. I've been sitting at my desk studying for my maths exam most of the day, so being hunched over the whole time already killed my neck and back. And gave me an excruciating headache. At 7pm I went to calisthenics. I was already tired and sore and stiff, and took my maths books in the hope I'd get some of my cheat sheet written while I wasn't on stage. So I was okay for the first couple of hours, understandably tired though. Exercises, dance and march went surprisingly well. Then we got to clubs. Again that wasn't too bad and seeing as I'm not on for very much of clubs, I thankfully did get almost half my cheat sheet done. Then we did rods. We went over one exercise that of course happened to be a splits/floor exercise. Now, after already having done exercises and dance earlier, both of which have a fair bit of floor work that we were working on, this rods bit killed me. I could not kneel anymore, I had/have bruises all over my feet, ankles and knees. And I couldn't get this one bit! I just got confused, and then my coach yelled at me because I kept getting it wrong and kept getting more frustrated. And I had to try SO FREAKING HARD not to cry. I just wanted to go home. I managed to not cry until I got home and had a shower. Then mum came in, noticed I was upset and struggling to move at all, so she gave me a hug and I just lost it. Broke down in sobs, I don't even really know why except for that I was exhausted, had a headache, massively sore and stressed.
Now, I'm lying in bed writing this and it took me almost five minutes of writhing around before I found a position that doesn't put my back into spasms. Not sure how sitting in an exam for two hours tomorrow is gonna go!
I just needed to rant and get my frustration out. I feel like I have more to say, but I don't know what to say or how to say it. So goodnight I guess.
Now, I'm lying in bed writing this and it took me almost five minutes of writhing around before I found a position that doesn't put my back into spasms. Not sure how sitting in an exam for two hours tomorrow is gonna go!
I just needed to rant and get my frustration out. I feel like I have more to say, but I don't know what to say or how to say it. So goodnight I guess.
Monday, 23 April 2012
A push in the right direction
This is a bit of a 'ps' from my last post, but I think that these holidays have helped me reassess things. Admittedly, a week ago I was really struggling. But after the UMAT course on Thursday and Friday, I've really put things into perspective and am trying to prioritize things. It really opened my eyes and made me realise that although I was having some doubts, medicine is really what I want to study. I felt at home the whole time we were talking about it, and doing well on the practice UMAT boosted my confidence and made me believe in myself that I can do this. It won't be easy, but for the first time this year, I've got faith in myself that I will make it through this year, pass the UMAT, do well in year 12 and get into medicine.
"And nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!"
"I lost my faith in love, tonight I believe again. My heart was a broken place, and now I feel whole again. You bring me honesty, and that's worth believing in. And I believe, I believe again."
I can, and will do it :)
"And nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!"
"I lost my faith in love, tonight I believe again. My heart was a broken place, and now I feel whole again. You bring me honesty, and that's worth believing in. And I believe, I believe again."
I can, and will do it :)
:)
I had a fairly good week/weekend, for the first time in a while! Well, it was good from about Wednesday really. So on Thursday and Friday I did a course in preparation for the UMAT exam in July. For those who don't know what that is, it's the Undergraduate Medical Admissions Test, and has to be taken by anyone in Australia or NZ who wants to study medicine or dentistry at uni. So anyway, it was a really intense course, 9 to 5 both days, and we did A LOT. On the Friday morning we sat a full length three hour practice exam, and I'm proud to say I actually did pretty well, a lot better than I expected! And then Friday night I had dinner at my best guy friend's house. It's always fun hanging out with Sam, we've been friends since kindy, went to primary school together and have played tennis together for years (he was my mixed doubles partner up at the Renmark Easter tennis tournament, which was a lot of fun!).
Okay so then on Saturday I spent most of the day studying biology, which was surprisingly relaxing because my parents weren't home to nag me and yell at me like usual. Then Saturday night I went out to dinner with my friends from calisthenics, which was a lot of fun. We went to a little upmarket Italian cafe/restaurant, then went and hung out in some bar down the road, and I tried a skittle bomb for the first time, it was heaps nice :) so that was a good night, got to dress up and have a girls night out for the first time in a while!
Then on Sunday I did some chemistry studying, which unfortunately wasn't as productive as my studying on Saturday, but that's okay haha. And Sunday evening I had my tennis club presentation so got to hang out with the tennis people again and have a bit of a hit :) then I went home early to 'study' but actually skyped Bianca which was good :D
And today (Monday) I got to sleep in until 10 and have a relaxing morning because year 12s at my school have mini exams this week and my chemistry one wasn't until this afternoon. I hadn't done much study but I wasn't that worried, I'm focusing more on maths this time around because it's the only summative exam. Anyway, I surprised myself in there, and think I did fairly well! Much better than I expected anyway! And tonight The Voice was on again! I love this show, it makes me laugh :) plus I love watching Delta on it (she's the reason I'm watching it haha).
So anyway, biology exam tomorrow then another day off on Wednesday for Anzac day, maths exam Thursday morning and then all of Friday off. Shaping up to be a good week, which is more than I can say for the last few weeks! So hopefully this week you all won't have to put up with me being all depressing and stuff...
Love you all xxxx
Okay so then on Saturday I spent most of the day studying biology, which was surprisingly relaxing because my parents weren't home to nag me and yell at me like usual. Then Saturday night I went out to dinner with my friends from calisthenics, which was a lot of fun. We went to a little upmarket Italian cafe/restaurant, then went and hung out in some bar down the road, and I tried a skittle bomb for the first time, it was heaps nice :) so that was a good night, got to dress up and have a girls night out for the first time in a while!
Then on Sunday I did some chemistry studying, which unfortunately wasn't as productive as my studying on Saturday, but that's okay haha. And Sunday evening I had my tennis club presentation so got to hang out with the tennis people again and have a bit of a hit :) then I went home early to 'study' but actually skyped Bianca which was good :D
And today (Monday) I got to sleep in until 10 and have a relaxing morning because year 12s at my school have mini exams this week and my chemistry one wasn't until this afternoon. I hadn't done much study but I wasn't that worried, I'm focusing more on maths this time around because it's the only summative exam. Anyway, I surprised myself in there, and think I did fairly well! Much better than I expected anyway! And tonight The Voice was on again! I love this show, it makes me laugh :) plus I love watching Delta on it (she's the reason I'm watching it haha).
So anyway, biology exam tomorrow then another day off on Wednesday for Anzac day, maths exam Thursday morning and then all of Friday off. Shaping up to be a good week, which is more than I can say for the last few weeks! So hopefully this week you all won't have to put up with me being all depressing and stuff...
Love you all xxxx
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