Sixteen years is almost my whole life, and I'm so grateful you were here for it all, but I wish you had been able to hold on for longer. Just a few more months. You could have seen me turn eighteen, and graduate high school and get my results, and get my first ever job, and spend another Christmas together. You missed out on Matt and Skye's engagement, I know you would have been so happy for them. And you missed out on seeing Jess pregnant, even though you would disapprove at first, you would still love her and little TJ because you're so accepting. She finished her hairdressing course after no one though she would, and now she's fully qualified, and bought her own house and everything. You would be so proud of us all. Especially me, I hope. I did it all for you.
Please come back. We can't do it without you. Mum cries every day, she tries to rely on me to be the strong one but sometimes it gets too much. Everyone says I'm strong but I'm really not, it's just an act because I hate people seeing me cry. I've cried more this year than I have in my entire life.
Grandad misses you so much Nanna, he isn't coping. He drinks too much, he's starting to forget stuff and I'm scared. Mum and Aunty Karen are so worried about him and are always trying to make sure he's okay, they never have time for themselves. Jess and I were going to get them day spa gift vouchers for Christmas but we left it too late to organise. Maybe for Mother's Day.
Tonight, Grandad gave Jess and I one of your bracelets each. Mine is a gold one with a love heart lock and chain. It took all I had not to burst into tears in front of everyone right there and then.
I sometimes wonder if you were there at your funeral, somewhere in the back. I'm so sorry. Jess told me that I'd regret it if I didn't go and look at you, and mum gave me a choice. I chose to go and see you, but I ran out crying almost straight away. I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you for a bit longer, I'm sorry I didn't show my love enough, always.
Nanna I just want you here. You've missed so much, the biggest year of my life and you weren't here to cheer me on, to encourage me to do my best. I had to think of you to get me through studying. Everything I did, every word I wrote and read and remembered, all those exams and assignments and stressed tears, they were all for you because I knew you wouldn't want me to give up and I just wanted to make you proud. I just hope it was enough for you. I'm going to be a nurse, so I can help people like you. If I can save just one life, save one family, one teenage girl from so much grief, I'll be happy. It's all for you. I would've happily swapped places with you, if it meant you were still here. The suffering is over now, sleep safely. Wait for me, I promise I'll come and find you. I'll never forget you, never ever. You're such a big part of me. I miss you all the time, but it's times like these I miss you the most. I love you so much, always thinking of you. Keep watching down on us, god knows we could use your strength to keep us all from falling in a heap. Love you forever, Nanna.
With so much love always and always, Liana.
