So it's officially July the 1st. Two peoples birthdays. Rhys, who is now eighteen. And shauna, my beautiful girl who I miss so much.
One of the last times I got to communicate with her, she said that she is hopefully allowed to get twitter back on her birthday, which is today. I really hope it happens, but I'm not getting my hopes up too much because she hasn't posted on here in over a month :(
But shauna, if you're reading this... Happy sixteenth birthday my gorgeous wifey! I hope you have a wonderful day, I love you very much, and I miss you and I hope that if you ARE in fact reading this, it hopefully means you get computer access back!
I love you beautiful girl. These last few weeks have been hard, I wish you had been there to help me get through it all <3
Saturday, 30 June 2012
Monday, 4 June 2012
Everything's changed.
As I write this, I'm crying. Again. It seems like all I do these past few days is cry. It's the easiest thing to do, the thing that makes the most sense.
I'm feeling so many different things right now, I can't even begin to put all of them into words. I don't think I would even know how.
But I miss my Nanna so, so much. It's only been 5 days, and I still can't accept that she's not here anymore. Sometimes, we would go for weeks without seeing each other. Life would just take over. I used to think "it doesn't matter, I'll see her again soon". Now, I can't think that anymore. It hurts to know that she's not just a phone call or quick visit away.
The thing that hurts most though is knowing I didn't spend enough time with her in the last few months. I would always tell myself I would go and visit her, and I never did. Maybe if I'd had a better idea of how sick she really was, I would have been more vigilant. But I wasn't, because my mum didn't tell me anything about her condition. I didn't know how bad she was until she was put into hospital Friday a week and a half ago. That was the only time mum voiced out loud what was going on. She said over the phone, "she's dying". I knew she was dying. I just didn't know it would be so soon. I thought we had more time. She had been sick for 16 years. Surely we'd have at least another couple of months? After all, she was strong enough to get through 16 years of it!
When we got the phone call, it was 1:30am last Thursday. I half woke up, and immediately knew what it was. Why else would the phone be ringing at 1:30am? I lay in bed and cried until my parents got home from the hospital at 3am. I got up and sat with them in silence for two hours. I couldn't say anything, I could barely think. All I could do was cry.
So it's been 5 days now. The days have been a bit up and down. Thursday and Friday were the worst obviously. Thursday I stayed home and cried on and off all day. I barely said two words all day until I went to my cousins house and we had a long talk. Friday, I cried, like really cried, at school three times. Normally I would be embarrassed to be seen crying at school, but I honestly didn't care. I was so upset, so desperate, I didn't want to accept it.
Now, I guess I've accepted it. Well, to an extent. I think Wednesday, the funeral, will determine if I have or not. But I feel so bad, and so selfish. I know it's stupid and irrational, and people will cut me down if I say it, but I have to. I feel selfish because as much as I want to, I can't think about her all day. I start concentrating on other things, then I feel the locket she gave me around my neck and start to feel guilty because I've forgotten her for an hour or so. And now everything is starting to go back to normal, and it really scares me. Because nothing is normal anymore! Everything has changed, I've changed. And I know she would want me to be happy and make her proud, but I don't want to be happy yet, it hasn't been long enough. I haven't got to say goodbye yet!
There is so much more I want to say, but I can't yet. I just don't know how to say any of it.
I just miss her so much. I want her back, to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. And if she was here, everything would be okay. But she's not, and it's not.
I'm feeling so many different things right now, I can't even begin to put all of them into words. I don't think I would even know how.
But I miss my Nanna so, so much. It's only been 5 days, and I still can't accept that she's not here anymore. Sometimes, we would go for weeks without seeing each other. Life would just take over. I used to think "it doesn't matter, I'll see her again soon". Now, I can't think that anymore. It hurts to know that she's not just a phone call or quick visit away.
The thing that hurts most though is knowing I didn't spend enough time with her in the last few months. I would always tell myself I would go and visit her, and I never did. Maybe if I'd had a better idea of how sick she really was, I would have been more vigilant. But I wasn't, because my mum didn't tell me anything about her condition. I didn't know how bad she was until she was put into hospital Friday a week and a half ago. That was the only time mum voiced out loud what was going on. She said over the phone, "she's dying". I knew she was dying. I just didn't know it would be so soon. I thought we had more time. She had been sick for 16 years. Surely we'd have at least another couple of months? After all, she was strong enough to get through 16 years of it!
When we got the phone call, it was 1:30am last Thursday. I half woke up, and immediately knew what it was. Why else would the phone be ringing at 1:30am? I lay in bed and cried until my parents got home from the hospital at 3am. I got up and sat with them in silence for two hours. I couldn't say anything, I could barely think. All I could do was cry.
So it's been 5 days now. The days have been a bit up and down. Thursday and Friday were the worst obviously. Thursday I stayed home and cried on and off all day. I barely said two words all day until I went to my cousins house and we had a long talk. Friday, I cried, like really cried, at school three times. Normally I would be embarrassed to be seen crying at school, but I honestly didn't care. I was so upset, so desperate, I didn't want to accept it.
Now, I guess I've accepted it. Well, to an extent. I think Wednesday, the funeral, will determine if I have or not. But I feel so bad, and so selfish. I know it's stupid and irrational, and people will cut me down if I say it, but I have to. I feel selfish because as much as I want to, I can't think about her all day. I start concentrating on other things, then I feel the locket she gave me around my neck and start to feel guilty because I've forgotten her for an hour or so. And now everything is starting to go back to normal, and it really scares me. Because nothing is normal anymore! Everything has changed, I've changed. And I know she would want me to be happy and make her proud, but I don't want to be happy yet, it hasn't been long enough. I haven't got to say goodbye yet!
There is so much more I want to say, but I can't yet. I just don't know how to say any of it.
I just miss her so much. I want her back, to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. And if she was here, everything would be okay. But she's not, and it's not.
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